Pizza Comedy

Ben Roethlisberger is making his rounds as the NFL’s biggest dick. Between constant sexual harassment claims and alleged rapes, the 2-time Superbowl winner and starting QB for the Pittsburgh Steelers is doing his best to go down as public enemy #1. All he’s really got left to do is punch a toddler in the face while anally raping the corpse of Johnny Unitas and he’ll have Michael Vick beat for sure.

"How 'bout we get drunk and I force my penis inside you. Whaddaya say, slut?"

In the most recent “Big-Ben’s-A-Big-Dick” news, the 6′5″ degenerate visited a highly touted country club owned by golf hall of famer, Arnold Palmer. To sum it up quickly, the country club, located in Latrobe, PA (home of Rolling Rock beer and this pervert), allowed Roethlisberger on their course despite not being a member. What ensued was an official shellacking by none other than Arnold Palmer:

It’s good to see old people doing something useful for a change, instead of just bothering me for help up library steps or constantly telling me I remind them of their granddaughter. Apparently Arnold Palmer is a straight shooter and lays down the law. Just look at how he views guys who wear hats indoors. I think this proves we youngsters shouldn’t mess with former pro-golfers. They keep it real. I’ll be sure to remember this the next time I get into another tussle with Greg Norman. Hopefully it’ll help me refrain from calling him a “down under faggot” again.

Click here for the whole Arnold Palmer vs Ben Roethlisberger story.

Yo, u kno dis chicks a ho.

Nothing beats nature giving us natural comedy. Which is why Chat Roulette is so hilarious. It’s natural, unpredictable, and filled with pure human nature (aka lots of naked people with their webcams enabled).

Am I the only one who thinks kids are growing up too fast these days?

Someone get out the soap…Junior’s video-chattin’ again!!

And then there’s this one I’ve seen a bunch of times. I actually invested early on in internet scamming, and I’m currently awaiting payment. It’s been about 8 years now since I gave a man with the AIM screenname MoneyMaker8 a hundred thousand dollars, but I’ve been assured that my investment has quadrupled, and that the million dollar check is in the mail.

nice lamebook find by ‘taydiggs

New episodes of South Park premiere tomorrow night on Comedy Central. And if you’re like me, that means you thank your lucky stars there’s at least something to watch on TV (other than Lost and The Office, where they are currently exploring every last idea thread known to man, again. Remember when Claire had her “Office baby” in the island?).

This first episode appears to be about sexual temptations, ie Tiger Woods. Here’s a preview clip from the upcoming Season 14 premiere, called “Sexual Healing.”

I’m assuming this episode is gonna be about Tiger Woods, both because of it’s title and also because of they leaked another clip late last week with none other than Le Tigre himself. I’m not sure if I’m taking crazy pills or what, but it seems like they lifted the audio right from his press conference. Brilliant…

They actually just leaked one more short clip on South Park Studios as well, where Tiger’s in a Sex Rehab clinic with Letterman, Roethlisberger, Duchovny — really, an all star cast of sexual deviants. Should be a solid episode…

I went to public school and while I was there, I received the highest quality Sex Ed schooling in the country (taught by the gym teacher). So I’m pretty sure this is actually how you make babies.

Ironic that blowing on the finger has such a dramatically different effect than pulling the finger. Although both actions can produce a baby of sorts (a doody baby for the latter. obvi).

…I wonder what happens if you blow on the baby’s finger. You think the baby has a baby? Whoa…

Noel Gallagher, the principal song writer behind Britpop band Oasis, gives a run down of his top 10 loves and hates.  Pretty, pretty interesting:

I like how cigarettes, drinking, soccer, and a new bed are in his top 5 loves, all of which can be associated to one single night of debauchery. I’m also a fan of his disdain for Green Day and goths, both of whom are herbs (except for goth chicks. They’re so hot I’ll gladly play Dr. Kevorkian for them, post-coitus of course).

Meanwhile, his not so better half, arrogant lead singer and younger brother Liam, gives a very different top ten (his hate is top notch):

That hate is well worth it. How can you support Man U when one of their most memorable players is Eric Cantona?!

Something tells me that bedtime stories at this guy’s house always end up with someone’s penis on fire, swinging in circles…

Firestarter! (Click to Enlarge)

He’s right about the proper compensation. I would pay upwards of a $5 door charge to see this band in action/to see Tony solo. Mostly, I’m just curious to see what he’s talking about, because it makes no sense. From what I’ve gathered, he’s recieved a penile implant that turns his dick into a mini lightsaber.

Pretty cool. Especially since he’s doing a guitar solo while pantsless and spinning his Han Solo. However, he is in the right locale to make this work. Las Vegas is probably the one place where you could find enough tweaking rockers to stand behind a man with a “fourth of july sparkler” for a shaft. He might even be able to find a couple hookers with firecracker nipples to come out for the encore.

I’d watch it. In fact, my guess is it will be the best band to come out of Vegas since The Killers, who ironically also use a flaming shaft to sell their sound (Brandon Flowers). HEYY-OOO!!!

nice headline by Scrimax

It’s been a few years since Tourettes Guy has blessed the silver screen with a new piece of guilty-pleasure internet gold. Sure, there’s been compilations — like this Best Of, which might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. (Although his “Bird in the House” video might still be his single best work to date).

But after a long stint without any new content (I’m told that someone was in jail, not sure if it was the cameraman/son or Tourettes Guy himself, for his criminally funny use of the term “Bob Saget”), but the wait is finally over. Whoever was in the slammer is out, and the expletives have started to roll out of his mouth like diarrhea from a buffalo.

This might not be the funniest TG video ever, but it’s good to see the tiger back in action….

I also recommend you check out the Tourettes Guy soundboard, where you can create your own curse-filled ramblings, peppered with adequate doses of PISS! and SHIT! There used to be an official website for this guy too, but it looks as if that’s been shut down for some reason. And that makes me a sad panda. BOB SAGET!!

Today, March 14th, is officially Steak and Blowjob Day. Coming in exactly one month later, it’s man’s answer to Valentine’s Day. As they say so eloquently on the official website, it’s: “Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. And I’m happy to be an early pioneer, pre-Hallmark, in ushering in this new era of equality in love.

I had a longstanding debate with my girlfriend about whether or not this holiday actually exists (it was a one-sided debate, since clearly, obviously, it does). She insisted I made it up. I didn’t. In fact, there’s a Facebook group for it. That makes it legally valid.

She eventually did the right thing and decided to celebrate it with me. Here’s to you, Steak and BJ Day. And here’s to you ladies…you make the world go ’round.