By Scott Glockholder
When a 17-year old prick in white sunglasses can influence grown NBA players with his rudimentary, droning chorus, “Crank that, soulja boy,” I think we’ll all agree there is no God. And without any God, there aren’t any morals. And without any morals, it’s quite all right to chuckle at women being physically abused. Please don’t jock my logic, although I understand how amazing it is that I used Soulja Boy and the 2008 NBA Slam Dunk Contest to begin my rational deduction resulting in the inexistence of a higher power; but such logic is necessary in order to see the humor behind one of our society’s biggest taboos: punching women (preferably in the face). So with that being said, let’s get right to a classy line up of the most memorable “girl-gets-duffed-out” scenes in cinema:
#5. “INTERMISSION” with Colin Farrell:
This opening scene from the 2003 Irish flick shows us just why Farrell is as popular with the girls as he is with the guys: girls dig his charm, guys like his rebel attitude. Here we get the best of both worlds in just 30 seconds…just like speedballing!
#4. “FREEWAY” with Kiefer Sutherland and Reese Witherspoon:
This clip comes from a point in time in American pop-culture where the Midwest serial killer look emerged on the scene, along with the internet and Better Than Ezra. I’ve recently been told this isn’t part of any movie, but an actual documentary about The Keif’s early Hollywood days and the street trash/aspiring actresses he’d pick up in the late night.
#3. “THE WAY OF THE GUN” with Sarah Silverman:
The attractive and uber-Jewish (or Jewber) stand-up comedian is over saturating herself. She’s treading that thin line between funny stand-up comedian and omnipresent smut, and to be honest, it’s becoming a major psychotic fucking irritation, not unlike Pauly Shore*. I mean, I dig Son In Law but Bio-Dome is where I draw the line.
(*Editor’s note: Pauly Shore is a bitchass.)
#2. “BOOGIE NIGHTS” with Brock Landers:
This clip solidifies my strong conviction that street-wise detectives use hands-on tactics to retrieve information from hookers. Also please note, any high-profile criminals should understand confiding your illegal lifestyle to a street walker never leads to free sex, just police tip-offs.
This particular scene comes at the 1:31 point in the timeline:
#1. “THE WICKERMAN” with Nicholas Cage:
He’s won an Oscar for a reason, folks…
About the author: Scott is the middle child and a product of parents that met in the orchestra pit of a Ted Nugent concert (The Strangehold My Cock Tour, July, 1980), ere go it’s natural for him to find humor in female abuse. It also explains his O.J. Simpson throwback jersey.
