I read an article today that made me realize that the impending doom of this word may be closer than I thought. No, it’s not the 2012 Nostradomous crap. Or the cost of gasoline. And you’re wrong, it’s not the Middle East crisis either. It’s much more horrifying than all of that…
McDonald’s will be increasing prices on it’s dollar menu.
WHAT?!
When the largest fast food chain in the world can’t keep the cost of it’s delicious, loose-doody-inducing burgers to $1, the end is definitely near. How is it that they cant pump more sawdust into the burgers, or use concentrated lard-cheese, to somehow offset the cost? You’re McDonalds. You give people delicious diabetes and happy-meal heart attacks. You must be able to keep this world afloat!
While reading this article, and a wave of fear came over me. What’s next? KFC Snackers? Wendy’s Shakes?! Taco Bell Tacos?! NOOOOO!!!
Sure, they say it will only increase by a few cents. They’ll call it the “$1-$2 Menu”. But my mind can’t deal with that math. That’s communist talk. I refuse to subject my American stomach to such insubordinance.
Just like that, their empowering “What can you get for a dollar campaign?” turns to nothingness. Which made me realize, as I’m sure every other American has now realized: you can’t buy shit with a dollar. All the hope that the Dollar Menu gave us…now gone. It’s like the Statue of Liberty replaced it’s ever-burning torch with a stiff-jointed middle finger, and hurled it’s feces at our minds.
Now, while I fear for myself, my hopes and prayers goes out to all those drunk college students who just lost their prime food source. Where will they stumble with their pocket full of loose change? How will they survive the treacherous “drunk midnight munchies”?
I’m afraid there’s no way of knowing for certain, but it doesn’t look good. I’m hoping for the best: that McDonalds gets relief funding from our government, but I’m preparing for the worst: Cannibalism. Hide your small cats and dogs.
