Pizza Comedy

There is a great quote from ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back’, where Silent Bob explains the internet as “a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.” It’s so true, and this article is living proof of that (unfortunately, minus the pornography part…or is it?) I’ll try not to bitch too much, but this movie was just a piece of shit.

I will say straight-off, I have not read the graphic novel, and from what I’ve heard, it’s very good. And I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it’s way better than the movie. My crap Sunday morning after a hard night of drinking and eating pepperoni pizza was more enjoyable than this movie. And I didn’t enjoy that particular crap.

If you’re looking for the blue-balls of superhero movies, this is it right here. Spoiler alert: Nothing happens. The superheroes don’t even have super powers. It’s a garbage heap, carefully placed onto celluloid and projected onto the big screen.

It’s not so much that it wasn’t visually stimulating, or even that there wasn’t a couple cool fight scenes. There was. But the movie was almost three hours long (163 minutes), the acting was horrible, the dialogue was typical Hollywood bullshit (with such memorable lines as: “If you touch her, I’ll kill you”, and the ever-amazing, dramatic “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” scream when a friend dies). I’m pretty sure Malin Ackerman (the hot chick, main-girl character) couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. Unless, of course, her tits were out and she was doing a sex scene involving said paper bag. Then she might be able to pull it off. And the other guy, Patrick Wilson, he’s just a whiney, spectacle-wearing turd nugget.

And besides the glowing Blue Dude, who also had a glowing blue penis for some reason (imagine being the CGI technical director in charge of that blue penis: “I need it to jiggle more. And for Christs sake, take that mushroom tip down a notch!”), none of these Watchmen even have any abilities. Or did I miss something? They just put on a mask and can fight really good. So your watching this whole shitty movie, where all the bad guys have a gun, and no one has the cognitive capacity to just pull their trigger and shoot these ill-equipped shmucks.

And they keep calling a this guy Zack Snyder a “Visionary Director”. I have great respect for good directors — it’s not an easy job — but I have to call foul on this one. All the guy does is extreme slow-motion shots for like every fucking shot. Then he’ll speed it up, and go right back to extreme slow motion again. Although I admit, his ability to not edit anything out of the movie is quite visionary.

And throughout this loosely-pieced together CGI clusterfuck, there is one rough storyline about a “Comedian”. He’s not funny, and doesn’t make any jokes — in fact, he’s actually an asshole — so don’t be expecting to laugh. But I guess after wasting three hours of my day and spending $20 to see this movie, the jokes on me.*

**But, I did alter that Smiley Logo too look like it’s been skeet’ed on….So jokes back on you, fuckface!!