For Erika La Tour, marriage isn’t about a holy bond between a man and a woman, it’s about finding an inanimate object and touching it in it’s no-no place. And last week, in a quiet ceremony among friends, relatives, and a cardboard cutout of Al Borlin, she took her bond with the Eiffel Tower to the next level. Marriage.
Erika (who legally changed her name to Erika La Tour Eiffel) is one of a handful of people across the world that calls themselves “Objectum-Sexual women”. To put it simply, instead of trying to pick up men at the bar, she picks up the bar. No first dates or Hamburger Helper dinners, she just cuts right to the chase.
When questioned about how far she takes these relationships with innatimate objects, she said, “all the way”. Adding with a smile, “I was actually able to mount Eiffel up to my waist, leaving enough room for a small group of Chinese tourists to continue their tour in my cervix.”
But even so, she is adamant that size is not a factor. “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the boat not doing anything, just tied up to a dock. Oohh, that’s hot.”
Yet, a leaked video in which she dry humps the Golden Gate Bridge (below) has caused the Eiffel Tower to question how serious their relationship is. Said an enraged Mr. Tower, “Look, I thought we had a good thing going here. Then my buddy Franz shows me this video of Erika humping the Golden Gate Bridge on the internet, and I was like what the f***? I can’t have my wife blowing every hot bridge or historical structure she sees, even if they are in really, really good shape. Isn’t the Golden Gate Bridge a fag anyway?”
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In unrelated news, a group of Chinese tourists have been reported missing since last week. They were last seen taking pictures near the base of the Eiffel Tower.
Police Captian Raymong Johnston said, “We are not surprised and/or alarmed that another group of Chinese tourists are lost. It is pretty common.” No foul play is suspected.
