Has anyone else noticed lately that BumbleBee Tuna — what I grew up eating and have always thought as the pinnacle of canned fish — has turned into complete, inedible garbage?? The last five times I’ve bought their tuna, I open it up and it’s just mush. Lumpy, brownish tuna-water…which is ironic because I’m buying “Chunk White” and it’s neither of those things.
I mean, I can’t even drain the water out of it. When I put pressure on the top of the can, tuna goo just slides out. It’s like all the chunks just…disappeared. (M. Night Shyamalan, if you’re reading this, fuck off. The “mysterious vanishing tuna” screenplay is my idea).
I’m saddened, confused. Are they running out of tuna? Are they running out of bumblebees?? It just doesn’t make any sense. I grew up on this stuff. I know what I’m talking about. But something has gone horribly awry. It’s like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego, only “San Diego” is a whale vagina and “the world” is my two pieces of Wonder bread.
So I gave it a break — I thought maybe I just got a bad batch…like eight times in a row. I didn’t buy it for a few months. But last night, I got a fresh new batch of the ‘Bee, and opened that sucker up. The result? Gross, sloppy fish porridge. Bullshit. I put it between two pieces of bread, and it just sliddddddeeeess right off.
WTF, Bumblebee? Yeah, that’s right — abbreviated internet anger. Here’s what I think of you: Pretend I’m the tall kid in the white t-shirt and BumbleBee Tuna is sitting behind me…
That’s right, bitch! How’s my bare chest taste?? Hockey fight style. Seriously BumbleBee, me and you are done professionally. Shirt off, and done.
Sadly, I’ve had to switch to Geisha Tuna — which looks surprisingly like cans of BumbleBee but stinks of cheap whores and Communism. However, they do provide beautiful, crisp chunks of tuna for the same price. And it actually tastes like tuna. Mmm…communism.
