I see outragous internet stories all the time — stuff I read and say, “There’s no f-ing way this shit is true.” It just can’t be. No one’s that stupid or careless or whatever adjective would describe that current moronic situation (usually involving Police).
But what I’ve learned from the internet is: yes, people are that stupid. And you should harness that power whenever possible. So here, I present you with the step-by-step guide to the funniest internet story I have seen all month. (I should note here that this is a REAL article. I made nothing up. The link is below).
Step 1: Title.
It really has to hook the reader. Of course, “sex” and “boobs” will immediately hook in most casual readers, but the real internet gold is original. Shocking and unbelievable.
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Intrigued? You bet your ass you are. Sure, we all joke about donkey shows and beastiality, but no one in their right mind actually has sex with a horse. For obvious reasons, but also because, I mean, how do you do it? Why would you do it?
A million more horse-sex questions come to mind. So it’s time for:
Step 2: Captivating body.
Typically on the internet, a “captivating body” would involve (again) some titties or an act of oral sex. But we’re talking about great internet articles (the stuff between titty pics). So for this I’m referring to enthralling content — more specifically, throwing the viewer something they never expected.
Too many times, the titles of the article are better than the actual thing, and often the title is about as long as the article (like two sentences). This results in what I like to call “internet fatigue”.
But a good, strong article, like this below, not only captivates the reader with the title, they back it up with the one-two punch of absurdity we all crave so dearly.
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See? I bet you never saw that coming. This guy didn’t just have sex with a horse, this is the SECOND time he’s done it. With the same horse! In the same stable. I mean, he has a relationship with this horse. And that fact that he’s been arrested twice means that he’s probably had sex with this horse dozens of times in between being caught.
It sounds unbelievavle. Too good to be true, right? Read on, young internet friend.
Does it tickle you that the horse’s name is “Sugar”? I think that’s just peachy. And that he was “acting weird” and “getting infections again”? Gross, right? But hilariously gross. I may have just snarfed milk out of my nose.
And did you know that “buggery” means “having sex with animals”? I just learned that. That’s what good internet articles do, they teach. Schools and Universities won’t teach you about “buggery”, this is something you learn in the real world. From people like Rodell.
OK, so you got a funny title and some good copy, but how do you seal the deal? What makes this article really something special. Well, that’s easy…
Step 3: Absurd Quotes
Every good internet article has to have at least one (preferably a dozen) amazing quotes embedded in it. It’s not really important who says the quote or what their credentials are (this is the internet, after all), the only thing that matters is that it’s in there. And absurd.
Take this quote, which comes from Rodell’s brother, Reverend James Vereen (yes, his brother is a minister too. this is a double bonus). The Reverend said:
He’s done all right when he was on the medicine. I don’t know if he is still taking it.
What kind of medication was he taking?? HorseSexDesire-Be-Gone? Maybe horse tranquilizers?? It’s absurd. I wasn’t sure they made medicines that stopped humans from wanting to have sex with horses. Thank god they didn’t spend that money on cancer research, right?
And here’s another great quote, this time from police spokesman Sgt. Robert Kegler:
Horry County police don’t often investigate animal sex allegations. In fact, he said the last person charged with buggery in the county was Rodell Vereen in late 2007.
He’s the only guy! And why would you investigate animal sex allegations? Rodell is the only person that’s going around town, lifting up horse tails, and playing pin the tail on the donkey. If there’s a buggery case, you know who to call. Horsebusters.
And this quote just tickled me silly, from Barbara Kenley, the horse’s owner. She was describing the circumstances of catching him the first time:
She stopped by her stable on Thanksgiving Day and found a man asleep in the hay by her horse, who had been locked in her stall, a mound of dirt and a stool behind her.
He banged her horse on Thanksgiving Day?? And then fell asleep next to it? Dear god, that is just the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard. Please, someone pinch me.
Seriously, pinch me. it’s too good. I guess he shouldn’t have had all that turkey beforehand. Come on Vereen, everyone knows turkey makes you sleepy!
OK, so there’s physically no way you can top that last quote. The reader is at his giggle-limit. Anything beyond, say — falling asleep next to a horse that you’ve just had sex with on Thanksgiving Day — might be oversaturation for the reader. They probably won’t be able to believe anything else. So how do you cap it off? How do you put that icing on this internet cake?
4. Closing Statement
Every good internet article has a strong finishing statement. You really want to make sure you go out with a bang. This could be anything — a quote, a pun, a last bit of tasty information — I’ve even seen a slightly sarcastic, witty statement made by the article writer themselves. Whatever works. You just want to make sure it ends strong.
So what could that be in such a fantastic story like this? How do you top what Rodell has already done. Well, like I said, this is a perfect internet article, so I’ll just let you read it. It comes courtesy of Mrs. Kenley, the horse’s owner:
She said she thought about shooting Vereen both times, but didn’t want to go to prison.
“Everyone around here has horses,” Kenley said. “And they all said the same thing. You should have shot him.”
Bravo, to everyone involved. Rodell Vereen, I know this doesn’t mean much, but you should probably stop having sex with horses. Even though it is unbelievably funny. And to the internet article gods, I thank you for this piece of literature. It is fanatstic.
So there you have it, your guidebook to the perfect internet story. Go out there and write one, find one, read one. Just please, for the love of god, keep your manmeat away from that poor little horse named Sugar.
