Here is the tale of Gary Jenkins…
Even at a young age, Gary was never the popular kid. He often spent his free time alone in the library reading, or practicing for his after school Math Club. Though he never tried his hand at sports, Gary always fancied himself more of a “mathlete.” He was smart, sharp, a real thinker.
Unfortunately, his smarts in the classroom often landed him in trouble outside of it. Most notably, with the school’s jocks.
The next few years were difficult indeed. He grew out of his awkward stage, but in his late teens, he found himself confused and susceptible to outside influences. He found making friends to be easier, even got himself a girlfriend. But this also led to increased peer pressure and social demands. These influences led Gary through many phases — a Goth phase, a hipster phase, and ultimately an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie-yellow-poka-dot-bikini stage…
But regardless of his allegiances, the wedgies never seemed to stop. After the notorious “Wedgie on Court Street” (pictured above) left his colon ruptured and spleen bruised, Gary decided to severe his ties with the “popular” clique.
He became a recluse, put on weight, and eventually succumbed to the monotony of every day life. He got a corporate job working for Nabisco, where he stayed for over 20 years. Although he wasn’t a bad employee, he never made any efforts to stand out.
His mathlete skills became lost in the monotony of an average life with average pay. But Gary was OK with that. He was copasetic. At least there was no one to give him wedgies in this isolated, lonely world.
That was until March 3rd, 2010. A day seemingly like any other. Gary was to give a presentation to his boss about the Northern American sales of Triscuits, and was preparing for that presentation with his cubicle-mate Sarah. As usual, he gave her a mock presentation, hitting all of the key sales points. And that’s when it happened…
The wedgie made him snap. He went on a bender fueled by booze, cocaine, and enough Easy Cheese to fill a spare bedroom. When Gary finally came out of his binge, he found his apartment in shambles and life ruined.
It was at this moment that Gary decided to give up on underwear.
Now, Gary is a successful banker with a Fortune 500 company, has a wife and two children, and let’s his balls slap around like ping pong balls in a tub of jello. He’s been clean and underwear free for 5 years now. And despite all his past troubles, Gary is now, finally, free (balls).
