Pizza Comedy

This is awesome. Seriously…awesome.

Did you know all it takes to write a hit song is the same four chords?

I play guitar, and I feel like someone has just handed me a get out of jail free card. And by “get out of jail” I mean “get into panties,” because my catalogue of songs just went from about 30 to 1,000. Now I can woo a girl with “Poker Face” then seamlessly go into “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” then seamlessly unveil my chest hair. At this point, she melts, leaving a stain on my carpet.

For those of you (like me) who play an instrument, those four chords are: G, C, F and A. All major chords, all major moisturizers. Use them wisely. Don’t be like Steven Seagal and blow all your chords on some Russian sex slaves. Cherish them, nourish them, and use them tenderly on some skank you met at a bar.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hit pop song to write so I can make enough money to clean this stain off my carpet.

props to Nalley for the musical thunder

There are a few things in today’s world that make me feel old. Young, attractive girls are one, and two would be videogames. I’m not sure why I got so left behind — I’m a pretty young guy — but for some reason, I never moved on past Nintendo64. I was all over Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and I still rock a mean MarioKart 64. And if you think you are a bad ass, let’s see how you handle your shit in Goldeneye with proximity mines. I’ll pwn you.

But that’s where it stops. About 10 years ago. These new gaming systems, while mind blowingly impressive, frighten me. Perhaps because I believe that one day machines will take over, and perhaps I’m scared of this because my name isn’t Neo and I can’t jump into people and make them explode into numbers.

But wherever this irrational fear comes from, I do know how to handle it. By keeping my games old school. Like PacMan. Or Donkey Kong. Or Pong.

And that’s why this video is bad ass. Old school videogames attack NYC. It starts a little slow, but it’s really cool…

I think I’d make a pretty bad ass Donkey Kong. I have come to this hypothesis mostly because I have a lot of chest hair and like bananas. You do the math.

nice find by pixel’tayted

I don’t know what took so long but finally…it is here. A death metal band that incorporates famous lines from Arnold Schwartzenegger movies. They’re called Austrian Death Machine and they keep it mega real. They even have an Arnold impersonator that does a spot on impression of the governator himself.

I’ve never been starstruck before in my life until Arnold walked into the pool area of Trader Vics in the Beverly Hilton. A buddy of mine kicked me under the table, so I figured a sexy chick was in need of my discrete eye-ogling. But no, it was the Governator.

Arnold was dressed exactly like Jack Slater — completely equipped with a giant unlit stogie, tight european style jeans, cowboy boots, and baller leather jacket. I couldn’t stop staring at him. And I’ve seen girl on girl shows at Club Super Sexe. None of them could hold my attention like Arnold. I don’t even care if that makes me 1% gay. I’ll absorb that gay like Arnold absorbs bullets.

Be sure to check out the band’s Myspace page, as well as my personal favorite the: Screw You (Benny) video. I got five kids to feed.

DMX, the overtly aggressive rapper, actor, homophobe, and dog lover, has hit a wall in recent years. Earl Simmons, as he’s known by the state courts of Arizona, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, and Virginia, has spent more time in prison and less time in the studio.

"Your honor, for the last time I'm not Danny Glover! I'm Darkman X, arf arf!"

With DMX absent from the game, rap’s become very tame. Even his slummy Yonkers neighborhood, School Street, has become soft in his absence (there were only 40 murders on the block this month). Thankfully, the good people at VH-1 understand this and it looks like he’s bound for reality television stardom:

If DMX gets to meet Dr. Drew, I think Drew will finally understand the true meaning of “it’s dark and hell’s hot.” If X ever gets onto Celebrity Rehab it will change television forever. 50 years in the future, communications professors will break down the history of American television into two categories: TV before DMX came to sober house, and TV after DMX came to sober house (where he sexually harassed all the nurses and placed CeCe Deville in a coma after CeCe looked at him the wrong way).

Then again, this is all based on TMZ.  So it’s pretty much bullshit.  Happy Monday, folks.

Two things about this — 1) I like how SNL now has a shortened version of their Weekend Update with only the funny jokes in it. Thank god. Sitting through a full SNL sketch these days is equivalent to sitting through a birthing video. There’s a lot of afterbirth.

2) I’m happy to see Obama still leading the charge on Health Care Reform. I just hope he’s not Obama from an alternate reality…

Don’t listen to the smoke monster, Barak. He’s making promises he can’t keep.

We all know that the French are a bunch of cocksmoker’s, but this is ridiculous.

In a new anti-smoking campaign aimed at battling the high spike in teenage smokers, France has issued these. The slogan underneath roughly translates to “Smoking means being a slave to tobacco”. It’d be a lot cooler if it said “Smoking is no way to get ahead in life”. The first pic looks like a young Mick Jagger, which makes me wonder if the guy in the suit is David Bowie.

I mean, I guess I see their point. All the old TV drug ads made me want to do was crave eggs…and not have a father that looks like this.

I wrote this while eating an egg sandwich and smoking a pack of Newports at an obstetrician’s office. Thug Life.

by LA Dave

Forget free condoms and preaching abstinence. Adventures in Sex City is here. Sex City is a game made by the Middlesex-London Health Unit to promote safe sex and STD information. Mostly teenagers only have time for experimenting with drugs, boning each other during study halls and beating off to internet porn so why not combine two of their loves to help spread the word about safe sex instead of spreading herpes…that’s my job out here. You’re welcome California.

You can choose from numerous characters including Princess Vag (The Virgin), Power Pap (The Slut — I mean sexually active girl), as well as Captain Condom the man intent on inventing the world’s safest condom. Join the fight against Sperminator — their evil promiscuous nemesis who has numerous STD’s and two Penises for hands. I can’t make this shit up. He asks you basic sex ed questions in order for you to advance to higher levels. Get the question wrong and he shoots his Giz at you like Peter North. BYAHHHH!

Click the link to test out your skills and see if you can beat Paris Hiltons score. She got none correct.

…or is my chin just melting again?