Pizza Comedy

Everyone knows baseball is a boring sport. If it were any slower they’d call it farming. It’s good to see this opinion embodied in its own players. Check out what former New York Mets first baseman, 2-time World Series winner, admitted rampant cokehead, notable Seinfeld alumnus, mustache benefactor, and GQ cover boy Keith Hernandez did in the announcer’s booth in the middle of a game:

Usually when you sleep on the job you get fired. But in Major League Baseball you just get a lanky dike assistant director tapping you out of your slumber and that’s it. Looks like Bud Selig runs a tight ship in that billion dollar enterprise. Steroids, cocaine use, napping on the job. All that’s really left to do is anally rape Sandra Bullock on the pitcher’s mound during “God Bless America” and then we’ll have hit for the cycle.

Bull riding is an art. And thanks to KFC’s Double Down sandwich, it’s borders have been expanded to the unbalanced and morbidly obese. The video and sound is shitty, but the the image is priceless. Start around 40 seconds…

Tossed like a rag doll. A rag doll being kicked by Chuck Norris. I re-watched that about 3 times, just to see the centripetal motion in action.

But you know what? It still wasn’t enough. I wanted more of this bootylicious bull rider. Thankfully, I found her on FatBullRiders.com — a dating website for people like me and her, who are seeking the companionship of other amatuer bull riders and who also enjoy the company of a double-fried chicken sandwich with bacon.

Shaniqua, you had me at double down.

In the middle of a party bender this weekend…

…And I may or may not have hired this band to play at my wedding. I don’t regret it.

In unrelated Pizza news, tomorrow is our final big shoot for the Pizza Comedy pilot. Been about 8 months of shooting, and we are finally, thankfully pretty much done. Look for The PCP to drop in June. Get excited, get very excited.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue this bender…

It’s Friday, folks.  And I’m all about getting weird on Friday.  What’s getting weird you ask?  It’s a combination of promiscuous sex, gratuitous violence, and unadulterated drugs & alcohol.  I plan to go out tonight and tell women exactly what these guys are thinking:

Believe it or not, that’s Kiss. This video was a big ordeal at the time because Kiss finally appeared without their make up. This was a problem for both die hard Kiss fans and smart people because we finally saw how hairy and homely these yucks actually are. They look like 4 Greek brothers that all work at the same junkyard/used car dealership.

Despite these setbacks, I still abide by the man in the leopard skin boots. Now ladies…LICK IT UP!

It’s OK to be drunk. There’s nothing wrong with it — in fact, I highly recommend it. It can make a stupid Wednesday night into an awesome party night, or even make your ugly ass attractive to females (that’s called “reverse beer goggles”, and yes, it works. Sometimes.) This girl knows what I’m talking about:

I’ll take those odds.

But as you all know, the real joys of alcohol are the simple things. Like how good food tastes, or sleeping on hardwood floors with no problems. Or, if you’re this guy at Coachella, trying to put on your sandals…

You should see how long it took him to put on his pants.

We all know there are a few staples that everyone celebrating 420 should (and most certainly will) have. These are, in no particular order: hacky sacks, Bob Marley mixtapes, bongs, ice for the bongs, brownies (ideally with weed baked in), Sour Patch Kids, grape soda, sweatpants, and Anchorman on DVD (you may want to substitute this with Pootie Tang. That’s your call).

These are the staples, and certainly you should have at least 3 of the above in hand at all times. But I’m not here to remind you of what you already know. I’m here to help. Here are a few suggestions I feel may substantially increase your 420 holiday experience.

1. A Discussion.

Bears riding horses. Puff, puff, discuss…

Do you think these bears have been trained since birth to ride horses, or they just kinda fell into the job? Did a bear eat a jockey and just inherit his strength? Like Sylar in Heroes (in the first season, before he turned into a bitch-ass). You think a horse has ever eaten a bear? And here’s the real question: Which came first — the horse or the bear??

I have no idea. And honestly, no idea what the fuck this is. Or how a horse is riding a bear. It does not make sense. Anyway, discuss…

2. A song.

“Dope Nose” by Weezer. An oldie, but a goodie — and very appropriately titled…

Artist: Weezer
Song: “Dope Nose”
Album: Maladroit (2002)
Website

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

“Cheese smells so good on a burnt piece of lamb.” So true.

Love that one. Can’t believe that album is 8 years old already…seems like only yesterday I was screaming “Ohh Oo-Oo-Ohhhh!” while cracking a 40 of Old E. Good times then, good times now…

3. A treat.

Lastly — perhaps most importantly — I propose this…

Bacon Flowers.

That right there is true beauty. Ladies, if you’re reading this and you want to know how to make your man happy, it’s simple. Bacon flowers. (And blow jays). You give him bacon flowers and he’ll be yours forever.

Well stoners, I hope this helps. Not that anyone needs help to enjoy today. Right Towelie?

At last. A holiday for those that make their own holiday, every day. Sometimes with a soda can and a fork.

And this year, we have a lot to celebrate. Weed is slowly marching it’s way towards legalization across the country. California has it on the voting ballot (like to actually legalize it — not just for medical, for everyone). And at last count, 14 states now have legalized that awesome thing they call medical marijuana.

Still a long way to go, but if you live in a city like Los Angeles, you know it doesn’t really matter. Legalizing it for reals would just help our state be much less broke. Because right now, we are seriously broke. More broke than Sisqo at a gay disco. And legal or not, on this great day, the streets of LA — nay, the streets and campuses across this great nation — will be stinking of that sticky icky.

For those cheesing right now, I salute you. And offer you this: OK Go’s latest internet treat. From the band that brought you that treadmill video, comes an amazing Rube Goldberg Machine. You know — one thing hits another, which hits another thing, and that thing hits something else…

I’m not stoned (yet), but this is some seriously epic shit…

They ran out of space for their children, so they put them in the trunk.

They really are so cute when they’re young. I remember when my keg was only a little quarter-keg of Busch Lite. He made me spoon-feed him Taco Bell at 3am and pee the bed every night. And before sleep, I would slur him a story I made up about fighting panda bears in an Italian air balloon.

Man, that really takes me back…