Pizza Comedy

A big rap from a little man — Andy Milonakis steps up to the YouTube mic to spit hot fire on Jay Leno. I probably wouldn’t have recognized it was him, mostly due to his stunna shades and what looks to be the bedroom of a cheap apartment in Van Nuys, but it’s the real deal, the A-Milo, dropping a kilo on Chinzilo…

I couldn’t agree more. And I’m very happy to hear that even though Jay’s back in his old Tonight Show slot, he’s dropped down to the #2 spot behind Letterman. Please, please, pretty please keep that karma coming…

In related news, Conan O’Brien has started using Twitter. So you can follow his every Coco-fueled moved like the crazy internet stalker you are.

But more importantly, Conan just announced that he’s talking his Late Night show on the road! Since he is legally banned from doing TV shows until September, he just announced a nationwide tour, complete with co-host pal Andy Richter, of live shows.

The former host of “The Tonight Show” announced a 30-city theater tour on Thursday. Sidekick Andy Richter and the former “Tonight Show” band will join O’Brien for what he promises to be “a night of music, comedy, hugging and the occasional awkward silence.”

The “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour” begins April 12 in Eugene, Ore., and concludes June 14 in Atlanta. It will visit theaters in at least 20 states and two Canadian provinces. Additional dates may be added.

O’Brien quipped: “It was either a massive 30-city tour or start helping out around the house.”

Tickets are going to go fast, so I suggest you hop on that like Tiger Woods on a pancake waitress. Tickets are available at TeamCoco.com, on by click on this nifty picture above…

I’m with Coco. Let’s go see this show.

Props to Nalley for the spicy vid

Finally, a product that keeps my attention where it needs to be.

It’s a brilliant idea. But honestly, I don’t think anything can stop a man from looking at a woman’s breasts. Even Forehead Tittaes. (Although I appreciate their effort and really like where they’re going with this). Looking a boobs is part of the male system. In our DNA and our constantly-failing brain matter. We can’t stop doing it, mostly because we don’t even know we’re doing it. We have no idea.

Well yeah, sure, sometimes we do. And believe me, we are so good at it when we want to be. We’re like Jason Bourne tit-snipers. But when you catch us staring, that’s you catching us unaware. In ape mode. Every time I get caught, I didn’t even know I was looking — I black out, then come back around to see an angry face staring me down.

That’s probably the biggest thing women don’t understand about men. We can’t not look at boobs. Our eyes are special. Women’s eyes do the same thing when they see boots you like. Who notices boots? You boots, me boobs.

And for those women interested in keeping our gaze away from their down-under naughty bits, I introduce you to this: The Worst Underwear Ever.

I promise, I’ll never look at your whispering eye ever again.

Nice vid by Ti’Tay

As everyone on Facebook knows, Corey Haim passed away this morning.  He was 38 years old.  As a child actor of the 80s, he was destined for failure and mockery, from both celebrity peers and big dick swinging internet comedy website writers.  Although I’m a huge fan of his films The Double-O Kid, License to Drive, and Blown Away, I think I’ll always remember him for his on point, no nonsense television interviews:

Despite his substance abuse problems, Haim was always the greater Corey.  Though his counterpart Corey Feldman starred in The ‘Burbs, Haim will always hold the higher ground in my opinion.  Just look at the way he macked it to Nicole Eggert using a stuffed animal reference (see Blown Away link above, it will not disappoint).  You have to admit, “nice duck” is a much better way of getting butt than pulling off this musical number (at the 1:10 mark, Feldman defines the word “chump stain”):

I rest my case, Corey rests in peace.

If you know anything about comedy, you know Raaaaaaaandy is the funniest comedian currently working the beat. The man performs underwater cunnilingus on a nightly basis, all while on stage. And if you know anything about music, you know that Justin Bieber is a little POS teen phenom that makes me jealous I didn’t start signing when I was 14 (obviously, that’s the only reason I’m not a pop star).

Enter this shocking video. Apparently, Bieber stole his hit song “Baby” from Raaaaaaaandy, and now Raaaaaaaandy wants revenge…

Be careful, Bieber might shit on you too. That’s his MO. I know he’s only 16, but he’s got the bowels of a 72 year-old on prune juice. He could end you.

All the SNL people that have ever done Presidents get back together for one massive Presidential Reunion sketch. Everyone. Chevy Chase, Jim Carrey, Darrell Hammond, Dan Aykroyd, Dana Carvey, Will Farrell, and that not-so-funny guy that does Obama. Oh, and it’s directed by Ron Howard.

Ok, so knowing that, pause for a moment to reduce your expectations by half, and watch this…

I’m guessing the same writer’s for the Funny Or Die show wrote this. And I have the same question now that I had when I watched the show on HBO: “How?” How did you make it so not funny?? I watched the Behind the Scenes for this sketch, and that was funnier. There are so many talent people in this — perhaps the funniest people alive — and yet…

it’s mind bottling.

Oh well, I guess the good news is that Fringe and Community both got picked up for next season. Two TV shows that probably none of you watch, but they are fucking awesome, so shut up and get on board. Yeah, girl.

Elvis Presley was an amazing singer and dancer. He was also a shitty actor and a raving drug addict. During a live concert in the latter part of his career, Elvis decided it was necessary to put a rumor about his drug abuse to rest. So what better way to do so than giving an angry rant to his fans:

There’s nothing better than threatening people in public and getting an applause for it. It’s the only reason I still go to white power meetings. I love how Elvis Presley considers certain professions freakish, specifically hotel baggage clerks. Other freakish jobs, according to The King: waiter at an Indian restaurant, junior high swim coach, manager of any bowling alley, extra on any Tyler Perry film.

Very interesting look behind the man of the moment, Epic Beard Man.

This isn’t funny, but I couldn’t stop watching it. A well done piece about the coolest, hardest 67 year-old on the motherfuckin’ streets. It’s a bit long, but don’t EBM is worth it…

Pimpin’ Tom and Ugly Bob. A match made in heaven.

I mean, how epic is Epic Beard Man? The guy’s a legend. Mofo is an expert at playing spoons and washerboard. I didn’t even know you could play the washerboard. That’s how good he is.

Harrison Ford…the last true family man.

And I thought Little Bill from Boogie Nights was annoying always looking for his wife.

They should do a new compilation post-Indiana Jones 4, in which he’s looking for his talent agent. So he can punch him in the face for putting him in such a piece of trash.