May
0

It’s Not A TOOMA!

It’s easy to make fun of Arnold Schwarzeneger’s accent (and political accomplishments), but one thing has become clear from the last 10 un-Arnold filled years. Action films just aren’t the same without him. He is seriously probably the best action star of the last three decades — possibly ever. Which is further encouragement to our youth that you don’t need to speak to be really cool. You just need really, really big muscles (or a big dick Either works).

So here it is. The best of the best. 160 of the running man’s best movie quotes…and believe me, they got ‘em all…

I watch this and wonder why they give action stars dialogue at all. Limit their speaking lines to five words at the max. You won’t be sorry.

In related news, Jay Leno is a massive toolbag and Arnold’s not afraid to call him out. Kick his ass, Seabass!!

great find by I Need Your Clothes, Your Boots and Your ‘Taytorcycle

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May
0

Get out the Champagne!

Happy mother’s day. Extra special one for this pizzaman, because there’s a new little Siciliano kid in town. Just born yesterday. Get out the champagne!!

And for the rest of you, don’t forget to call your mothers, wives, and baby’s mommas. If you let that one slip today, prepare yourself for 364 days of guilt trips. And if she’s your wife, even less sex. Make the call, buy some flowers, and get out the champagne…

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Apr
0

Jay Leno, You’re Terminated.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was on The Tonight show with Gay Leno yesterday, where he was forced to sit through Jay Leno’s cornball wisecracks.  As you’ll see you here, Leno busted The Governator about his acting chops.  But in the end, Arnold shitted on The Chin and his audience:

As Arnold pointed out, Leno’s childish humor is only suited for geriatrics.  It should be outlawed. He should be jailed by a “kindergarten cop.” In fact, one could place his shitty impressions on the same skill level with that of SNL’s Kenan Thompson. You can even consider them shitty “twins.” Either way, I’ll be glad to see Conan O’Brien back on the air. He’s my “last action hero,” and I refer to Coco’s return to late night TV as Jay Leno’s “judgment day.” Maybe then NBC execs will realize the “raw deal” they gave Coco when they see his awesome ratings, and hopefully they’ll ask for a “total recall.”

Commando.

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Apr
0

Ice To Meet You Too Biatch

picture-33

This twitter war took place a few weeks back, but is just too good to overlook. (Although honestly, the two words “twitter” and “war” put together seems about as masculine as Elton John riding a bedazzled Harley with assless chaps onto stage (sorry…no picture could be found)).

Aimee does have a point though. I’ve never once walked away from a movie or TV show Ice-T has been in and thought “Damn…that Ice-T can fucking act.” On the other hand, I love Aimee Mann simply for her contributions to the Magnolia soundtrack. And for being married to the lesser of all the Penn brothers, Michael, who wrote this catchy diddy that I enjoy and you will find yourself singing. You gotta be a good person to do that — it’s like adopting a retarded baby or giving Chad Lowe acting work. All will score you points with the man upstairs.

At least Ice-T was kind enough to wish “a hot bowl of dicks” upon Aimee. He could of served her many of his other penis delicacy’s, such as cold cock cobb salad, penis parmigiana, and Tom Cruise’s personal favorite, dick chowder.

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Apr
0

Walker Gets Gay

Let’s be honest, there’s probably nothing in the world that can stop Walker Texas Ranger. But as for his little sidekick Haley Joel Osment…well, that’s a different story…

Waaaaaaaaaa?

I guess the real question now is: How do they say “AIDS” in Cherokee? I bet it starts with some wine and turkey, served on the naked belly of Walker Texas Ranger. POW!

If you’re looking for more Haley Joel on Walker Texas Ranger, check out this adorable clip.

And if you’re wondering exactly how Haley got from Sixth Sense to this? Well, that’s Hollywood baby. Make a couple hit movies, fall into that drug pit, maybe blow a few dudes on Colfax Avenue…and you wind up on Walker Texas Ranger with AIDS. Happens every time.

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Apr
1

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Steve Harvey does. And he’s illiterate!

Oh Kenan, sometimes you still make me laugh. And if anyone’s wondering what Kel is up to, here is the [very real] movie poster for his last project — 2009’s See Dick Run.

see-dick-run

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more photoshopped movie poster in my life. And they still couldn’t make that girl on the left look any less like a tranny lemur.

If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard or seen this movie, stop thinking about it. I’m not sure if this was even in theaters. The story is about Kel’s dick. He “loses it.” I’m guessing his nuts get cut off. Or he spills hot coffee on his groin and they’re irreparably damaged. Maybe he works for UPS.

Someone watch it and fill me in. Or don’t. I don’t really care. I’m gonna stick to my Keenan and Kel, if you don’t mind. Maybe a little Fresh Prince and Clarissa afterwards? Shit man, a lineup that good, I’ll never do my homework.

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Apr
1

TITO ORTIZ: “WHOOP THAT TRICK!!!”

This morning, in the peaceful beach side bro haven of Huntington Beach, California, UFC fighter Tito Ortiz was arrested for beating his live-in girlfriend, former porn star Jenna Jameson. This turns out to be real good news for Ortiz being that this is the first fight he’s won since the Bush administration. Check it out:

Which one of these two really sucks cock in a cage?

Which one of these two really sucks cock in a cage?

He’s a mixed martial artist, she’s a porn star. They say love is blind, and no statement can be more true than when you sock a girl in her face a couple of times leaving 2 black eyes. To be fair, Tito is probably helping this broad out with a few quick jabs to her head. Peep the plastic surgery on this broad.

The real culprit is the fuzz. Police should have seen this coming. Here’s the song Tito Ortiz requested play on his walk to the octagon at UFC 106.

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Apr
0

I’m Seein Coco

In a few hours, I will be in the presence of orange-haired greatness — Coco, the lovable Conan O’Brien, and his live stage show. That’s right, tonight is his “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour” at Universal City in Los Angeles. Ironically, this is also the location where he spent and filmed his long tenure at The Tonight Show (a whopping 7 seven months).

conantweet1

Oh there will be shots, hopefully making fun Leno and his dick moves. But with Conan already locked on going to TBS with his late night gig, I’m guessing the mood will be a jovial one. I know Andy Richter is in the mix, and I’m guessing since this is Hollywood, there may even be a few celebrity cameos (fingers crossed for Masturbating Bear).

In the mean time, sit back and enjoy this little bit of Conan. This one is from when he hosted the Emmys a few years back, showing off his live performance chops.

Nailed it.

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