Pizza Comedy

This pizza’s gonna be delicious.  Now just go grab your White Owls, Phillies, and your Dutchmasters. Click here for the official hip-hop reference.

Props to Rhonda for the find.

Today is Juicy Fruit Butt Thursday. And if you’re a fan of butts, you know what that means. Juicy Fruit Butts, and lots of them.

Honestly, if you left me alone with that cake for five minutes, you might not like what you find when you come back. ‘D’Ass will never be the same.

And for this JFBT, I’ve found this special video. It’s called “Fish Tales Does Argentina.” And all that I’ve gathered from this is that Argentina probably has the best butts ever….

Nothing like a little Hall and Oats to get those booties shaking. It’s ironic that such awesome baby making music can come from such homosexual looking men. But I guess that’s the power of the mustache…it swims in both worlds, and a little in between.

So seriously, I just need to clean the cake off of my genitals and then I’m off to Argentina. Anyone want to take a Juicy Fruit Expedition?

As the summer approaches and the temperature heats up and you’re thinking about having a slightly bi-curious experience involving ice cream, remember this: it’s hard to have a gaytime on your own.

I guess I never thought of it that way. But for those who want a Gaytime, but don’t know where to turn, I’m sure the ice cream truck driver will be happy to help you out with this.

We all know there are a few staples that everyone celebrating 420 should (and most certainly will) have. These are, in no particular order: hacky sacks, Bob Marley mixtapes, bongs, ice for the bongs, brownies (ideally with weed baked in), Sour Patch Kids, grape soda, sweatpants, and Anchorman on DVD (you may want to substitute this with Pootie Tang. That’s your call).

These are the staples, and certainly you should have at least 3 of the above in hand at all times. But I’m not here to remind you of what you already know. I’m here to help. Here are a few suggestions I feel may substantially increase your 420 holiday experience.

1. A Discussion.

Bears riding horses. Puff, puff, discuss…

Do you think these bears have been trained since birth to ride horses, or they just kinda fell into the job? Did a bear eat a jockey and just inherit his strength? Like Sylar in Heroes (in the first season, before he turned into a bitch-ass). You think a horse has ever eaten a bear? And here’s the real question: Which came first — the horse or the bear??

I have no idea. And honestly, no idea what the fuck this is. Or how a horse is riding a bear. It does not make sense. Anyway, discuss…

2. A song.

“Dope Nose” by Weezer. An oldie, but a goodie — and very appropriately titled…

Artist: Weezer
Song: “Dope Nose”
Album: Maladroit (2002)
Website

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

“Cheese smells so good on a burnt piece of lamb.” So true.

Love that one. Can’t believe that album is 8 years old already…seems like only yesterday I was screaming “Ohh Oo-Oo-Ohhhh!” while cracking a 40 of Old E. Good times then, good times now…

3. A treat.

Lastly — perhaps most importantly — I propose this…

Bacon Flowers.

That right there is true beauty. Ladies, if you’re reading this and you want to know how to make your man happy, it’s simple. Bacon flowers. (And blow jays). You give him bacon flowers and he’ll be yours forever.

Well stoners, I hope this helps. Not that anyone needs help to enjoy today. Right Towelie?

Ween is an alternative rock band from Pennsylvania.  They’re a weirdo duo that creates eclectic albums that range from punk to psychedelia to country.  To put it bluntly, Ween’s in their own world.  So it was only right for them to fuck with Pizza Hut when the naive corporation hired Ween to write a commercial jingle for their upcoming cheese-hidden-in-the-crust specialty pie, “The Insider.”  Here’s the jingle they sent Pizza Hut:

Pizza Hut hated the jingle so much they rejected it and made Ween submit another. Ween’s efforts were constantly rejected by unoriginal, narrow-minded corporate lackeys with bad taste. In the end, their official submission was quite the musical feat:

I can’t see why Pizza Hut never picked this up for their ad campaign? It’s so catchy and kid oriented. Pizza Man, I think we got your theme song!!

Click here for the full story on the Pizza Hut debacle.

If you’re a fan of KFC, then you already know. They’ve created the ultimate chicken sandwich. The skin, the cheese, everything. I’m at the Comfort Inn room 112. I love you, Frank.

This is the Double Down. Two pieces of fried chicken, two pieces of cheese, bacon, and mayo. Yes, they’ve actually thought outside the bun. By removing it, and in it’s place filling it with cholesterol and jack cheese.

If you’re not freaked out by the imminent health problems you’ll get by eating this, then perhaps you’ll be freaked out by the commercial. Or rather, the black guy in the commercial who looks like he might double down on your ass if you turn the lights off.

He’s like a creepy Mr. Grinch, who’s heart never grew three sizes too big because he had a heart attack.

I do also enjoy how they offer the Double Down in their “grilled” chicken form as well, like anyone’s ever gonna actually get that. I don’t even think that’s real grilled chicken. Looks more like a piece of shoe coated with plastic spray and fake grill marks.

If it’s not fake chicken, then it’s some sort of fried chicken skin from an alternate universe. If Fringe were real, I’d ask Walter about this. Another thing I think is not real, but quite funny:

Well played.

Let’s be honest, when you’re drunk there’s really only two things that you want: sex and food. And if you can’t get the first, you most certainly will be getting the second — ideally, in the fastest and greasiest method possible. Enter fast food. The one thing that says “yes” at the end of a long night of “no’s”.

Which is why this guy gets so upset. It’s one thing to be rejected by a last-call floozy, but it’s another to be rejected by Ronald McDonald. That’s just a low blow.

This might not be the funniest thing, but if you want to watch a drunk guy wrestle in McDonalds over not being served cheeseburgers, it’s right up your alley.

Dude seriously needs to work on his game.