Pizza Comedy

I don’t blame this guy. Look, the basketball game was on and it was “Bring Your Daughter To Drink” Night at the local watering hole. How was HE supposed to know it was also “Dollar Taco Stripper Tuesday”? The stripper usually comes on Wednesdays!

And this second one it a little more risque. And honestly it wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that it was the DAUGHTER’S birthday and that was supposed to be HER cock cake. Damnit mom, stop trying to be cool!!

Seriously though, that look on the daughter’s face let’s me know she’ll never be the same again. And what’s the deal with that black cock cake next to this one? Why are there so many cocks on a cakes at a children’s party??

It’s amazing what some people can do at a young age. Tiger Woods was on TV at 2 years old showing off his prodigious skills as a golfer. (He was then on TV at five years old to deny sexual allegations stemming from his play mates.) It also is widely known that Mozart traveled Europe around the age of 5-7 years old, showing off his masterful skills as a pianist.

And thusly, there’s this young lad. At 3 years old, this little drummer boy is the youngest person to sit through an entire Joan Jett song…

My hat’s off to him, because I certainly couldn’t do it. His drumming is impeccable, and his patience even more impressive. Plus, he’s wearing a Christmas hat for some reason. I’m told it’s because he’s forced to work at the North Pole for 10 months out of the year, playing drums in Santa’s Joan Jett cover band, The Bleakhearts.

And if you’re wondering exactly how a kid so young could master the drums, well the answer is simple. He used the most successful training system known to man: Hooked on Monkey Phonics. C-H — CHALK.

Obviously, I made that up. The kid used Rock Band.

We are all in big big trouble. It’s only a matter of time before Krang finds his mechanical avatar and goes forward with his plans to open a portal that would bring all of the world’s most dangerous villains to Earth…from the dreaded Dimension X.

The scariest villain of all? Sumo Octopus Baby…

If there’s a bone in that kid’s body, I’d be surprised. He moves around like a jello pudding invertebrate.

More than likey though, Krang is molding this child into a very dangerous Rock Soldier (and I don’t mean Jay-Z and Memphis Bleek). Thank god for us, Casey Jones and the Ninja Turtles hate punkers.

No, this is not an open invitation for women to carry my seed (Although I do appreciate all zero of you who have offered). This is me saying I’ve found the sweetest baby carrier ever.

As in, let me have your baby, so I can force his tiny head through a weird hole in my fleece pajama-suit.

I’m pretty sure this is an actual product, although I have not been able to find it for purchase. I was originally told it was sold as the Peekaru Original Baby Fleece Baby Carrier, but it seems as if this product is no longer available. My guess is Sigourney Weaver sued over trademark infringement — after all, she invented the alien-baby-birthing-through-stomach technique.

If anyone finds the actual retail store for this, send it my way. I want to buy one for this food baby I’m about to give birth to.

Today is a day for exploration. Of the good, the bad, and the not-so-ugly-but-totally-fucking-random of the internet. I’ll start off first with the bad — since it’s not quite Friday yet, and that pisses me off.

Here is a parent. On a segway. Trying to give her kid up for adoption to a moving vehicle.

I don’t even know what to say about that. Except for the fact that this child will probably not grow up to be normal and that mother should not be wearing white pants.

And here’s the good. You’ll notice that it is labeled as a “fail”, but nothing could be further from the truth. This is success spelled b-r-e-a-s-t.

That’s a boob bully fo sho. Even though she’s trying to hide behind that camouflage, I ain’t fooled. A boob bully is a boob bully is a boob bully.

And this last one is relatively self-explanatory. Star Trek nerds, set your stun guns to “masturbatory”.

This kid really wants to be a single lady…

He shoulda put a ring on it.

Also, I have to note that dude probably shouldn’t be driving and videotaping his kids in the backseat at the same time. I’ll let the “horrible father” thing slide for the hilarious rejection of his son, because that was great. But he’s not helping himself out with that camera-driving.

Also props for that highly eclectic back seat. For a minute, I thought this was Madonna’s car.

This elementary school is immediately a million times more gangster than mine. In my school, a kid got 5 years in Juvie Hall for snorting popcorn. And if you said “fudge” even once, you got sent to the principal’s office. But I guess that’s why I’m so soft.

I honestly can’t even believe this is real, but it is, and it’s amazing.

Scarface: The School Play

Fudge you! Fudge you Tony!

After seeing such unadulterated youth in the previous post, it’s good to finally go back to seeing parents doing things right. Like teaching their kids how to funnel beers at a young age.

'Frank The Tank' circa 1984

My one criticism for this parent: You don’t learn by watching dad, you learn by doing. Hook up that pacifier with some Gin and Juice.