Pizza Comedy

Can we please stop to applaud this young man’s incredible talent?

I mean, he transitions from Basic Instinct to Batman to Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar without even blinking an eye. That is what we call “range” out here in Hollywood. And that look…it’s like…he can see THROUGH me. Into my soul. Like Zoolander’s “Magnum” times a million.

I haven’t seen acting chops like this since Marky Mark left the Funky Bunch to promote his abs.

nice find by ‘Taysian

This is awesome…

Here’s what I would have responded to that:

Dear Concerned and Uninformed Reader,

I am concerned for your godson. The fact that you would even consider involving authorities for something as stupid as this leads me to believe that you are not only a total herb, but also a narc. Having a herby narc always looming around will be detrimental to your godson’s growth, especially when he’s trying to score some hot poon and you’re constantly cockbocking him (note: “cockblock” is not a drug. It’s you).

I imagine you are the type that puts their ear to people’s doors to hear if “they’re talking about you” and the woman that calls the police when a party plays music past 8pm. Well, I’d just like to say, on behalf of everyone, please go live on the moon. In zero gravity, your overbearing bullshit and buzzkill attitude won’t seem as harsh.

But to get back to your question, dear reader, you have no need to be concerned. Your godson just wants to see some shaved vaginas in tight clothes. Oh, and I’m sure he’s doing drugs as well.

FACED!!

nice toad by Dear Ab’Tay

I recently became a fan of a pickle on Facebook. On the outside, it may look like I did it because I dislike Nickelback. Truth is, I just like pickles.

This kid shares my love–

It’s an old clip, but it makes me laugh just as hard every time. Pickled ya!

tripple-licked by Dr. Gakface

This one goes out to the All Stars.

Fun Fact for the day: The NBA All-Star Game this past weekend set the Guinness Book World Record for the most attended basketball game in history. 108,713 fans saddled up in Cowboy Stadium to celebrate the sport of basketball and the spectacle of over-paying for shitty pizza.

Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade was the game’s MVP, and when asked to comment about the above picture said,

“That kid is like a white Hitch.”

In related news, Kevin James just announced he’s signed on for two sequels to the Paul Blart franchise — Paul Blart 2: Cheeseburger Cove and Paul Blart Tres: El Paseo Malo. Both are expected to blow donkey balls.

You thought growing up in your high school was tough, but for little Jesus Condom, every day was a struggle. He wanted to be an astronaut, fly in space — but when he mentioned this to his fellow classmates, they all just laughed and covered him in spermicidal lubricant.

But he fought on, through the hard times, and he erected himself right into college where he was to study Atmospheric Science and Complex Mathematics. In four years, he would graduate with a BS in Space Engineering and join the NASA Junior Astronauts Training Club. That was the plan for little Condom.

Unfortunately, freshman year, he discovered marijuana, Doritos, and Star Trek — a combination that would ultimately send his life in a different, though equally fulfilling, direction. By the age of 32, little Jesus Condom had finally achieved his dream…

Spock.

So here’s to little Jesus Condom, further proof that dreams are entirely tangible if you put your mind to it. May you live long and proper…

Kids, I’m gonna sneak into your room at night and grape you in the mouth!! OH YEAH!!

Seriously, if graping people is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

mouth-graped by drinkpants joe

What birthday party could be complete without a huge stuffed puppy with realistic pink asshole?

Ahhh, now that brings back a flood of memories…