Pizza Comedy

Thanks to the internet, we see news bloopers all the time. People saying “top cock” and cursing and making pregnant bellies on top of news desks. It’s commonplace, and if your Tracy Morgan, it’s your normal TV appearance.

But this chick gives us a new one. It’s sticky and gross and non-dairy…”Soy jism.”

I’ve never seen someone so casually mention an ejaculate from behind the news desk. She actually seems proud of her suggestion. Which is awesome because it onlya dds to the discomfort of her co-female anchor. We should take that face, bottle it up and sell it as a comfort-alternative. Maybe call it “Face Jism”? Still working on that…

And this just in: Angelique’s got these cheeseburgers, man….

Total retail value of that sex: $.99!

props to Nalley for the milk

Two sports accomplishments in one day?? This can only mean one thing: SporTuesday! POW!!!

Leading off the track meet, we have the first athlete to combine pole vaulting with a colonoscopy. And how!

The replay really does that one justice. Just feel bad for the guy vaulting after him…there’s definitely some residual doody on that pole. (That’s what she said.)

And second, we have a new record holder for the women’s long jump.

I haven’t seen a jump like that since the last time I played basketball. (ie - I can’t jump, I’m very white, and I can’t play basketball. I measured my “ups” one time, and the height of my jump registered as “-3 inches.” Somehow I actually jumped downward. That doesn’t even make sense.)

Long story short, get this woman an award. Hell, get both of these athletes an award. If nothing else, they wear short-shorts with the best of them. Richard Simmons would be proud.

props to scribbles and taytay for the finds

Let’s keep with that squirrel porn news theme for this morning. This just in…

You know shit’s getting serious when the Top Cock gets gunned down. Top Scrotum, now those are a time a dozen. But a TC is serious news.

As for that herb reporter that ridicules her relentlessly for her mistake, here’s one of his classic fuck ups (I call it “Jenny From the Top Cock”, and it’s arguably better).

Is it me, or is Fox News really dirty? After shitting all over Democrats and making veiled racist comments towards Obama, I bet those those tight ass conservatives let loose with a hooker and blow party like no other. Top cocks in full effect, swinging around their ankles. Fruit punch spiked with alcohol and bitterness. Perhaps even a good ol’ fashion adult news spanking.

Todd should be awarded a thousand facebook friend bonus for that move. Tricking a grandmother into watching old man gay porn. If that’s not what the internet is all about, then my name ain’t Miles Davis.

Her name? MColleen.

Her profession? Server.

Oscillating fan lover? Check and mate.

First, drunk. And her story about Everest was captivating. All one second of it.

But seriously…the most wonderful thing about her is “her mother”? That doesn’t even make sense. It’s not even about her at all. That’s about a different person. Her mom — which is weird for a bunch of other reasons.

And do me a favor — listen to that last sentence again (around :38 seconds). I can’t tell if she says “the fastest way into my heart is bubble-gum” or “the fastest way into my heart is Bubba Gump.” Like the shrimp-based chain restaurant? I mean, it’s lame either way, but Bubba Gump? Maybe she was right…the most wonderful thing about her is her mom.

If you’re a fan of KFC, then you already know. They’ve created the ultimate chicken sandwich. The skin, the cheese, everything. I’m at the Comfort Inn room 112. I love you, Frank.

This is the Double Down. Two pieces of fried chicken, two pieces of cheese, bacon, and mayo. Yes, they’ve actually thought outside the bun. By removing it, and in it’s place filling it with cholesterol and jack cheese.

If you’re not freaked out by the imminent health problems you’ll get by eating this, then perhaps you’ll be freaked out by the commercial. Or rather, the black guy in the commercial who looks like he might double down on your ass if you turn the lights off.

He’s like a creepy Mr. Grinch, who’s heart never grew three sizes too big because he had a heart attack.

I do also enjoy how they offer the Double Down in their “grilled” chicken form as well, like anyone’s ever gonna actually get that. I don’t even think that’s real grilled chicken. Looks more like a piece of shoe coated with plastic spray and fake grill marks.

If it’s not fake chicken, then it’s some sort of fried chicken skin from an alternate universe. If Fringe were real, I’d ask Walter about this. Another thing I think is not real, but quite funny:

When being questioned about why he struggled so mightily in his Yankee debut, yet was able to recover for 3 shutout innings against the rival Red Sox, Chan Ho Park got a little too specific:

One time I tried to get out of school because I had a phobia of defecating in public. I went to the nurse sweaty and uneasy, yet her damn thermometer couldn’t detect the trouble brewing in my bowels. I finally convinced that by-the-book bitch to call my mother because I was about to explode.

Minutes prior to mom’s arrival, however, I burst into the horrid middle school bathroom (which as Michael Jackson would say was “gross with doodoo feces all over the place”) and found the stall with the least amount of semen/doodoo feces. I unbuckled my pants fervently, but before I could relieve myself, boom went the dynamite. Gross diarrhea splattered all over my underwear and legs. I cleaned up as best I could but it was still during the days when I had (for some reason) written my name on my boxers, like anyone was going to steal them. And now they were covered in shit. Alas, I couldn’t leave that kind of evidence in the public trash can. All I could do was shove that wad in my front jean pocket.

Mom came and all was well once again. Until the ride home, when I heard: “What is that smell?” I begrudgingly told her the embarrassing truth as she laughed at me. I was immediately set at ease after she told me that my father did the same thing the week before while stuck in traffic. While it disgusted me that my own father still let loose mud monkeys in his pants, it also really made me feel much better about my own pants-shitting situation. I guess that’s what parents are for.

It’s friday, and I like dogs, so here’s my ode to them:

Doggy, doggy, so damn cool
How I want to to own thee.
But walking you & cleaning poo,
Makes me want to kick thee.

I think I just bee-bopped. Free style, off the cuff. I feel like a jazz musician. Luigi Armstrong. Yeah, that’s right. Do you smell that? It smells like doodycakes. OH WAIT. It’s me. Because I’m the shit.

Right Dr. Woof?

The Doctor of Juicy Fruit Butts

This dog is not only a doctor, he’s also an expert otorhinolaryngologist (that’s an ear, nose, and throat doctor for you laymen). He’s gets up on those juicy fruit butts and sniffs around. A good whiff here, a little nuzlle there. Perhaps a playful bite? You can tell a lot by a good sniff.

For example, if you were to smell my ass, you may smell some D.D.C. (doodycakes (again, see picture above)).

And there’s no segway into this picture below, except that it involves dogs. And I’ll be darned if they ain’t cute.

Don't Be Mad

See now, this picture smells like a rolled up newspaper.