Pizza Comedy

Let’s keep with that squirrel porn news theme for this morning. This just in…

You know shit’s getting serious when the Top Cock gets gunned down. Top Scrotum, now those are a time a dozen. But a TC is serious news.

As for that herb reporter that ridicules her relentlessly for her mistake, here’s one of his classic fuck ups (I call it “Jenny From the Top Cock”, and it’s arguably better).

Is it me, or is Fox News really dirty? After shitting all over Democrats and making veiled racist comments towards Obama, I bet those those tight ass conservatives let loose with a hooker and blow party like no other. Top cocks in full effect, swinging around their ankles. Fruit punch spiked with alcohol and bitterness. Perhaps even a good ol’ fashion adult news spanking.

Nobody ever sees the shit coming.

Breast News Ever

I always had a hunch, but now I know for sure. Breastfeeding saves lives.

The most surprising part about this article, however, was the fact that it wasn’t talking about babies. It was talking about grown men, and the benefits of chowin’ down on some white gold.

(*OK…Truth is, I didn’t read the article. I don’t ever read Yahoo News. If I wanted to hear bullshit typed neatly into sentences, I’d read PizzaComedy. But breastmilk does save lives, that much is true. And I love breasts. So you do the math.)

Groundbreaking news. Adult men cured of illness by breastmilk. Cellular telephones, wireless television…and now this? Man, the future never looked so bright. It’s like everything I imagined times a billion.

I mean, take a look at this perfect scientific specimen…

There’s enough milk here to save a thousand grown men. God bless her.

nice reporting by Ti’tay

After 14 years, it seems as if South Park has still got what it takes to piss people off — actually, more intense than ever. As I’m sure you’ve certainly heard, there was some crazy shit going on surrounding the 200th episode of South Park — a two-parter called “200″ which discussed showing a picture of Mohammed.

Although the episode never really showed anything (Mohammed was supposedly in a bear costume, although we learned later this was not the case), Matt and Trey recieved some thinly-veiled death threats from a radical Muslim group. I won’t repeat them here, because the same quote has been everywhere, but you can read it here if you haven’t already.

But for all of us who thankfully have DVRs, you know that Matt and Trey went ahead and finished their second episode, “201″, which concluded the Mohammed-celebrity-goo saga. (And most importantly, finally revealed who Cartman’s father was!) They delivered the episode to Comedy Central, who took it and censored the fucking bejeezus out of it. In fact, Kyle’s entire “what I learned today” speech at the end was beeped out. It was over a minute long, all beeped out.

Obviously Matt and Trey were not thrilled, as they enjoy pushing the envelope and freedom of speech. The episode has not aired again on TV and is also not available on their website — it seems as if it might not be seen again for a very, very long time. Matt and Trey issued this statement about the ordeal on South Park Studios:

In the 14 years we’ve been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldn’t stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasn’t some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyle’s customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didn’t mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too. We’ll be back next week with a whole new show about something completely different and we’ll see what happens to it.

Intimidation and fear indeed. And ironically, if you know anything about South Park, you know that they made an episode about 10 years ago called “Super Best Friends” which featured Mohammed, totally uncensored, without problem (see the video below). So apparently, it was OK then, but its not OK now.

Here’s an interview with Matt and Trey taped BEFORE this whole controversy started, discussing Mohammed, 200 episodes, and their thoughts on free speech. It’s more relevant now than ever — amazing the difference a week can make…

Meanwhile, fans and the media are also thoroughly pissed off. John Stewart took about 10 minutes to discuss the issue on last night’s Daily Show:

It’s a crazy story, and hopefully nothing more will come of it. What’s really crazy to me is that the same freedom of speech that allows these Muslim extremists to make threats and spew hatred is the same freedom they are threatening to kill over. It’s bullshit. For more on that, I recommend you watch what John Stewart had to say…

I always regarded Steven Seagal as a master of many things — acting, martial arts, tight jeans, freeze-frames, classical guitar, and ponytails, to name a few. His talent and spiritual chi is matched by no mortal man.

But I guess it’s time to add one more thing to this list: Sexual assault cases. Lots of ‘em.

Let’s start with this. Apparently, back in 1998, Seagal made Jenny McCarthy cry, demanding she “strip” in a private casting call for Under Siege 2.

“I go inside Seagal’s office, and he’s by himself and says, ‘Sit on my couch,” McCarthy told Movieline magazine in ‘98. “Then he said, ‘Take off your dress.’ I just started crying and said, ‘Rent my Playboy video, you a*****e!’ and ran out to the car.”

But McCarthy is not the only one. Apparently, a number of other women have felt Seagal’s unbridled chi rub up against their leg. Also in 1998, nine seperate women told Penthouse magazine that Seagal had sexually harrassed them. Then again, “sexual harassment” was all the rage back in ‘98. Bill Clinton made that shit as popular as snap bracelets were in ‘89.

I’m not exactly sure why assault cases from 1998 are making headlines in 2010 — seems like this should have been a headline 12 years ago, when Seagal was relevant. But maybe it’s a just slow news day (I mean, Heidi Montag doesn’t get her new second-anus plastic surgery until Wednesday). But I do know one thing: all these sexual assault cases are fucking my schedule up.

“How?” you ask. Well, because in light of this scandal, A&E has decided to shelve Seagal’s semi-popular reality show Steven Seagal Lawman. Which I believe might be the finest show on television (we also have an upcoming Pizza Comedy sketch about it). No more Lawman?! This is awful.

But even so, none of this compares to this last bit regarding the sexual scandal:

The lawsuit TMZ obtained Monday alleges Kayden Nguyen interviewed with Seagal to become his executive assistant. Nguyen claims she landed the job, but when she showed up for work, “Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian ‘attendants’ on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” Nguyen also claims, Seagal treated her “as his sex toy.”

Sex slaves. On staff. Damn Steven, how the hell do you have time to do all these things?? A deputy sheriff, a movie star, an energy drink salesman, a karate master, and now…a sex ring leader. Amazing.

One of Seagal's sex slaves?

This Kayden Nguyen woman is now suing Seagal for over $1 million dollars — charging him with sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, wrongful termination and a bunch of other crap.

As for me, I don’t believe it. First of all, I don’t trust anyone named Kayden. Sounds like a spy working for Commander Krill to me. And mostly importantly, Seagal doesn’t need to have sex slaves. He’s a fat aging movie star. He could karate chop a salami sandwich and get a whole bar full of women wet.

Innocent until proven filthy, that’s what I say. Play on Steven. I’ll miss Lawman, but don’t worry, Pizza Comedy will carry on the show in your honor…

>> Read more of the story here.

nice find by Luzaderama

14 seasons, countless farts, and 200 episodes later, we have this to show for it…

The 200th episode airs tonight, creatively called “200″. And from the looks of these previews, it’s going to be epic. All the celebrities are back — collaboratively filing a class action lawsuit against South Park. Tom Cruise, Rob Reiner, John Travolta, Kanye, Paris Hilton, Rob Schneider (as a Carrot), Martha Stewart, Mel Gibson, David Blaine, Martha Stewart, Kurt Russell, Ben Affleck, Russel Crowe, Oprah, Jimmy Buffet, Al Gore…and those are just the one’s I see off hand.

Oh yeah, and Mecha-Streisand. No big deal.

They even have a South Park 200 website running, where fans and celebrities can submit their own picture or video message to Matt and Trey. And there actually are some interesting celebrities giving them props - Chauncy Billups, Norman Lear, Rush, and of course, Brian Boitano (finally the answer to what he’d do: be overly dramatic and lame). Also industry powerhouse Brian Graden, who funded the original shorts, tells us all a little bit about how South park came to be. I’d watch that one, it’s interesting.

In related South Park news, Matt and Trey also just announced their official entry onto Broadway with The Book of Mormon. Yes, a musical about Mormons — what the world has needed for years but been too blind to see. Apparently, Parker and Stone have been working on fervently on this musical between seasons of South Park (with the creator of Avenue Q) for years. And my guess is…it will be hilarious.

The musical deals with two wide-eyed Mormon boys who go on a two-year mission to Third World countries and underprivileged communities, where they try to convert people to join the Mormon faith.

In other words, if you’re Mormon, run for the hills. Cuz you’re about to get pwn’d. I’m thinking it will be something along the lines of the music from South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut meets the raunchiness ofAvenue Q meets Orgazmo (remember, that main character was Mormon too).

Anyway, the musical debuts in March. Trey Parker will direct it with Avenue Q’s Jason Moore.

>> Watch episodes and the 200th episode here.
>> Read more about the musical here.

Pretty shocking news, Conan’s Late Night show is heading to TBS.

“In three months I’ve gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I’m headed to basic cable,” O’Brien said in a statement. “My plan is working perfectly.”

O’Brien also tweeted: “The good news: I will be doing a show on TBS starting in November! The bad news: I’ll be playing Rudy on the all new Cosby Show.”

He will be the lead in for Lopez Tonight, which has done pretty good in it’s first year. Despite the fact that George Lopez forces each one of his guests to reenact scenes from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

I’m surprised by the move, but hey, surprises are good. Maybe being on a cable network will allow Conan to have more creative freedom — maybe the Masturbating Bear can finally be the Felacio Fox, as he was always intended to be. And more importantly, TBS wants to have Conan. So I can actually set my DVR to record his show and not have to worry about changing it in 7 months.

Go Coco, go TBS. Wherever you go Coco, I’m with you.

nice reporting by Tayatay

I watched this whole news report (it’s not long), and I have no idea how we get from point A (the report) to point B (the crazy old man). But I know now it involves vampires and garlic flowers…or something…

Seriously, if the town takes those flowers away, it’s as good as done. Like True Blood, only with old people and no sex scenes. Speaking of that, how many vampires do you think it would take to drain these milk jugs?

My guess is just one very dedicated vampire. And I hereby am submitting my application to offer my services to be said vampire. OM NOM NOM…