Pizza Comedy

*While attempting super sexy CPR, remember to make sure you and your partner establish a “safe word.” You may now proceed to unzip your pants and force yourself to choke on a turkey bone…

Believe it or not, this is only the second time I’ve ever masturbated to a PSA. (The first obviously being the Pee Wee Herman “Don’t Do Crack” PSA. It turns out the thrill did kill…my boner.)

I guess that’s just further proof that men will watch anything that has a hot lady in lingerie. Even educational things. I’m pretty sure I’d watch a birthing video if they just put the nurses in some skimpy underwear. Maybe the doctor could be wearing assless chaps? I’m feeling smarter already.

Kinda makes me wonder why they don’t try this with high school teachers or SAT training. Just shove some models in underwear in front of some students and make their mouths move with words that mean something smart. They’ll pay attention and they’ll learn good.

A long time ago, Buddha sat beneath a Bodhi tree and meditated until be became enlightened. He pondered many things, among them some of life’s great questions: Who am I? Why am I here? How can I tell if my vagina is tight enough?

Enlightenment, at last. Unfortunately, it now comes in the form of Yahoo Answers, who ironically never answers any of the questions it’s asked, but instead allows for witty and sarcastic responses from anonymous sources of knowledge. Much like Lost, and that shitty episode from last week.

But at least Yahoo provides some answers. And clapping inside your vagina is probably a sign of too much free space. I agree with that one. But remember, young knowledge seeker. It could always be worse. You could wind up on a safari with not one, but FOUR, old boring loose vaginas…

Now that is not a pretty picture.

I thought my prom was exciting. We rented a limo, I bought a corset, and got a kiss at the end of the night. I even touched her butt when we slow danced.

But I guess proms in 2010 involve some sort of fertility dance.

(Shitty video and sound, but watch it. And keep watching…it gets better).

That guy’s green outfit is awesome. He’s like a little green rapist.

This is Sooty. He doesn’t wear a condom and he doesn’t pay child support. Deal with it.

Happy mother’s day!!

nice conquest by scribbles

Thanks to the internet, we see news bloopers all the time. People saying “top cock” and cursing and making pregnant bellies on top of news desks. It’s commonplace, and if your Tracy Morgan, it’s your normal TV appearance.

But this chick gives us a new one. It’s sticky and gross and non-dairy…”Soy jism.”

I’ve never seen someone so casually mention an ejaculate from behind the news desk. She actually seems proud of her suggestion. Which is awesome because it onlya dds to the discomfort of her co-female anchor. We should take that face, bottle it up and sell it as a comfort-alternative. Maybe call it “Face Jism”? Still working on that…

And this just in: Angelique’s got these cheeseburgers, man….

Total retail value of that sex: $.99!

props to Nalley for the milk

After hearing news about the GZA and RZA uniting for a Liquid Swords follow-up, one extremely old man had this to say:

When shown the footage, African American spokesman Jesse Jackson said: “These are perhaps the flyest dance moves ever attempted by a Caucasian man over 60.” He then demanded to be paid for his opinion, despite the fact that no one really cares about what he has to say anymore.

Similarly, when asked to comment about his performance, Rusty Navybeans (old man in the video above) shrugged off the performance as “sub-par.” He made note that the “apron greatly restricted his movements,” then added: “When I’m in the club, bitches be on my [expletive]. I pump cheeks like Usher.”

When questioned about exactly where and how he gets the energy to perform such spry dance moves, he pulled out a picture from his wallet and said simply: “Whale Sex.”

Let’s be honest, there’s probably nothing in the world that can stop Walker Texas Ranger. But as for his little sidekick Haley Joel Osment…well, that’s a different story…

Waaaaaaaaaa?

I guess the real question now is: How do they say “AIDS” in Cherokee? I bet it starts with some wine and turkey, served on the naked belly of Walker Texas Ranger. POW!

If you’re looking for more Haley Joel on Walker Texas Ranger, check out this adorable clip.

And if you’re wondering exactly how Haley got from Sixth Sense to this? Well, that’s Hollywood baby. Make a couple hit movies, fall into that drug pit, maybe blow a few dudes on Colfax Avenue…and you wind up on Walker Texas Ranger with AIDS. Happens every time.

I always regarded Steven Seagal as a master of many things — acting, martial arts, tight jeans, freeze-frames, classical guitar, and ponytails, to name a few. His talent and spiritual chi is matched by no mortal man.

But I guess it’s time to add one more thing to this list: Sexual assault cases. Lots of ‘em.

Let’s start with this. Apparently, back in 1998, Seagal made Jenny McCarthy cry, demanding she “strip” in a private casting call for Under Siege 2.

“I go inside Seagal’s office, and he’s by himself and says, ‘Sit on my couch,” McCarthy told Movieline magazine in ‘98. “Then he said, ‘Take off your dress.’ I just started crying and said, ‘Rent my Playboy video, you a*****e!’ and ran out to the car.”

But McCarthy is not the only one. Apparently, a number of other women have felt Seagal’s unbridled chi rub up against their leg. Also in 1998, nine seperate women told Penthouse magazine that Seagal had sexually harrassed them. Then again, “sexual harassment” was all the rage back in ‘98. Bill Clinton made that shit as popular as snap bracelets were in ‘89.

I’m not exactly sure why assault cases from 1998 are making headlines in 2010 — seems like this should have been a headline 12 years ago, when Seagal was relevant. But maybe it’s a just slow news day (I mean, Heidi Montag doesn’t get her new second-anus plastic surgery until Wednesday). But I do know one thing: all these sexual assault cases are fucking my schedule up.

“How?” you ask. Well, because in light of this scandal, A&E has decided to shelve Seagal’s semi-popular reality show Steven Seagal Lawman. Which I believe might be the finest show on television (we also have an upcoming Pizza Comedy sketch about it). No more Lawman?! This is awful.

But even so, none of this compares to this last bit regarding the sexual scandal:

The lawsuit TMZ obtained Monday alleges Kayden Nguyen interviewed with Seagal to become his executive assistant. Nguyen claims she landed the job, but when she showed up for work, “Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian ‘attendants’ on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” Nguyen also claims, Seagal treated her “as his sex toy.”

Sex slaves. On staff. Damn Steven, how the hell do you have time to do all these things?? A deputy sheriff, a movie star, an energy drink salesman, a karate master, and now…a sex ring leader. Amazing.

One of Seagal's sex slaves?

This Kayden Nguyen woman is now suing Seagal for over $1 million dollars — charging him with sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, wrongful termination and a bunch of other crap.

As for me, I don’t believe it. First of all, I don’t trust anyone named Kayden. Sounds like a spy working for Commander Krill to me. And mostly importantly, Seagal doesn’t need to have sex slaves. He’s a fat aging movie star. He could karate chop a salami sandwich and get a whole bar full of women wet.

Innocent until proven filthy, that’s what I say. Play on Steven. I’ll miss Lawman, but don’t worry, Pizza Comedy will carry on the show in your honor…

>> Read more of the story here.

nice find by Luzaderama