Pizza Comedy

When this guy gets to the hospital, someone take his food and put some atomic peppers on top of his burger.

If you know me or this blog, you know I’m not the sports guy. Me and Bill Simmons made a pact a couple years back — he stays away from stupid comedy that no one cares about, I stay away from sports. I was a good pact — similar, I imagine, to the one between the Others and Dharma Initiative — but much like Sawyer, I had to run out into the jungle, past the pylons, and break that truce.

I had no choice. March Madness is here and my alma mater, the Syracuse Orange, are getting my rocks off.

Yes, the Orange. Not the Orangemen or anything absurd like that. Just the Orange. They’re a color — that’s their mascot. They don’t need to offend anyone by picking an Indian or a Cowboy or something real, they just picked a stagnant color, and said “just put arms and legs on it — no one will notice it doesn’t mean anything.”

And for the first time since 1989, Syracuse is ranked #1 in all the college NCAA polls. Right before the big dance…20 years in the making…we are numero uno. Not sure if you saw the games this weekend, but Cuse crushed Villanova, while everyone else (that mattered) lost like a bunch of whiney teenagers trying to score booze outside of a 7-11. Perdue (ranked #5) only scored 44 points. HA! What is this, amateur hour??

Here’s Syracuse’s head coach — and my pick for coach of the year — Jim Boeheim talking about the plaid-tastic picture above, and showing off his comedic chops (this was after the Cuse - Georgetown game on 1/25/10)…

The man is right. After reading those rankings this morning, I prematured in my pants. All over my nice sweater. That wasn’t good for anybody.

nice vid by the Salt’Tayne Warriors

I know very little about the state of Tennessee, and I know absolutely nothing about Tennessee State University.  Until now, where I just witnessed the TSU marching band saluting rap group, Outkast, at their 2008 pep rally.  Below is their rendition of the Aquemini classic, “Spottieottiedopalicious”…

Tennessee State’s mascot is the aristocrat, but based on the musical stylings of their marching band they’d be better represented as a pimp brown stallion horse with skates on, smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair, with eyes beaming like four karats a piece just blindin’ a nigga.  In other words, they should be Cee-Lo Green.

Chuck Liddell was once the hardest honky in mixed martial arts.  He was the UFC Light Heavyweight champion, had 7 consecutive knockout wins, and rocked a mohawk with tattoos on the side of his head.  Now he dances with the stars and works out naked — BUTT NAKED!

I love his workout regiment:

pull-ups ass naked: 6-8 reps
squats ass naked: 8-10 reps
take a shit ass naked: 12-14 minutes

To top it off, Liddell’s got a sweet Bose wall-mounted stereo system in his gym. I’m thinking that goes for at least $700. Notice how I never talked about the blonde bimbette on the treadmill. I’m too classy for that. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to microwave this banana peel, slip it over my penis, and use it to jerk off.

Stay classy.

This poster is very popular in prisons.

First off, double-points are awarded to whoever posted this on YouTube, because this clip is simply titled “oprah is dumb.” Gold star. Also hilarious to read the outpouring of comments under the post, with people frantically arguing about how they’re offended that someone would call Oprah “dumb”. Like this dumb idiot.

And it’s also very logical to assume that “monthsinyear” has potato chip crumbs scattered upon her FUPA.

In this clip, Oprah has Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees on her show, and tries to wipe off the birthmark he has on his face. “Hey Drew, you got some schmutz on your face…”

Derp. I think my buddy Tay, who sent me the clip, made the most poignant observation:

Here’s Oprah bein dumb…..and tryin to rub off Drew Brees’s birthmark. That’s actually not my favorite part of the 19 second clip; that would be when she goes “Wow wow wow wow WHOO!” and does a little jiggle-shimmy in her chair. I like that the best. She looks like a fat penguin.

Truer words have never been spoken. And you know what else, Breesus is My Homeboy.

Tiger addressed the media today for the 1st time since he “left golf” and when into sex rehab. He confronted the allegations and admitted to cheating, apologized profusely, and said emphatically “I do plan to return to golf one day.”

He then capped it off with a circle of hugs heard ’round the world.

(Sidenote: during rehab, I hypothesize they replaced Tiger’s inner parts with a robot.)

I think everyone will eventually forgive Tiger. I mean, he’s Tiger. He’ll be permanently tainted, but people like to root for him. Give it a year. He’ll be fine.

I know what you’re thinking, “But what about his poor mistresses?! How will they live???”

Luckily for you, celebrity attourney Gloria Alred is on the case. In a well-planned(?) press conference of her own (only minutes after Tiger’s), her client, porn star Joslyn James — I mean, human being Veronica Siwik-Daniels, gave a teary-eyed breakdown of their love. She wanted Tiger to appologize to her personally, considering their 3-year history.

No spoilers, watch it for yourself…

Thank god she had Gloria to hug.

What a mixed-up, topsy-turvery world we live in. Part of me actually feels bad for this chick — maybe Tiger should appologize personally to her. Three years is certainly longer than any relationship I’ve ever had with a porn star. And I’ve never once told them to quit their profession.

Then again, Tiger apologizing to a mistress during his first press conference would have been fucking bananas. Family first, mistresses on the cell phone — that’s the Tiger Formula.

I don’t know, what do you think? Should Tiger adopt Joslyn James?

This one goes out to the All Stars.

Fun Fact for the day: The NBA All-Star Game this past weekend set the Guinness Book World Record for the most attended basketball game in history. 108,713 fans saddled up in Cowboy Stadium to celebrate the sport of basketball and the spectacle of over-paying for shitty pizza.

Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade was the game’s MVP, and when asked to comment about the above picture said,

“That kid is like a white Hitch.”

In related news, Kevin James just announced he’s signed on for two sequels to the Paul Blart franchise — Paul Blart 2: Cheeseburger Cove and Paul Blart Tres: El Paseo Malo. Both are expected to blow donkey balls.