Pizza Comedy

Everyone knows baseball is a boring sport. If it were any slower they’d call it farming. It’s good to see this opinion embodied in its own players. Check out what former New York Mets first baseman, 2-time World Series winner, admitted rampant cokehead, notable Seinfeld alumnus, mustache benefactor, and GQ cover boy Keith Hernandez did in the announcer’s booth in the middle of a game:

Usually when you sleep on the job you get fired. But in Major League Baseball you just get a lanky dike assistant director tapping you out of your slumber and that’s it. Looks like Bud Selig runs a tight ship in that billion dollar enterprise. Steroids, cocaine use, napping on the job. All that’s really left to do is anally rape Sandra Bullock on the pitcher’s mound during “God Bless America” and then we’ll have hit for the cycle.

Bull riding is an art. And thanks to KFC’s Double Down sandwich, it’s borders have been expanded to the unbalanced and morbidly obese. The video and sound is shitty, but the the image is priceless. Start around 40 seconds…

Tossed like a rag doll. A rag doll being kicked by Chuck Norris. I re-watched that about 3 times, just to see the centripetal motion in action.

But you know what? It still wasn’t enough. I wanted more of this bootylicious bull rider. Thankfully, I found her on FatBullRiders.com — a dating website for people like me and her, who are seeking the companionship of other amatuer bull riders and who also enjoy the company of a double-fried chicken sandwich with bacon.

Shaniqua, you had me at double down.

Bobby Cox (note the spelling of his last name) has been involved with Major League Baseball for 50 years. He’s been the manager of the Atlanta Braves since 1990 and publicly stated this was his last year in the sport. Because of his outstanding career in America’s pastime, Washington DC decided to honor Bobby; and by honor I mean shit on:

This doesn’t surprise me. This is Barack Obama’s America, and in this America fat white southern guys don’t get exalted. Instead, they get herbed. Consider this compensation for slavery, peckerwood!

Click here for the full story.

Two sports accomplishments in one day?? This can only mean one thing: SporTuesday! POW!!!

Leading off the track meet, we have the first athlete to combine pole vaulting with a colonoscopy. And how!

The replay really does that one justice. Just feel bad for the guy vaulting after him…there’s definitely some residual doody on that pole. (That’s what she said.)

And second, we have a new record holder for the women’s long jump.

I haven’t seen a jump like that since the last time I played basketball. (ie - I can’t jump, I’m very white, and I can’t play basketball. I measured my “ups” one time, and the height of my jump registered as “-3 inches.” Somehow I actually jumped downward. That doesn’t even make sense.)

Long story short, get this woman an award. Hell, get both of these athletes an award. If nothing else, they wear short-shorts with the best of them. Richard Simmons would be proud.

props to scribbles and taytay for the finds

I consider myself an extreme guy. I once did 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes! It was crazy! But then I watched this video and stopped describing myself as an extreme guy…at least on my J-Date profile:

This just in, I’m a giant pussy.

This morning, in the peaceful beach side bro haven of Huntington Beach, California, UFC fighter Tito Ortiz was arrested for beating his live-in girlfriend, former porn star Jenna Jameson. This turns out to be real good news for Ortiz being that this is the first fight he’s won since the Bush administration. Check it out:

Which one of these two really sucks cock in a cage?

He’s a mixed martial artist, she’s a porn star. They say love is blind, and no statement can be more true than when you sock a girl in her face a couple of times leaving 2 black eyes. To be fair, Tito is probably helping this broad out with a few quick jabs to her head. Peep the plastic surgery on this broad.

The real culprit is the fuzz. Police should have seen this coming. Here’s the song Tito Ortiz requested play on his walk to the octagon at UFC 106.

Fans are outraged over Creed front man Scott Stapp’s attempt at a theme song for the Florida Marlins. “Marlins Will Soar” was supposed to be a rallying cry…yet falls flat and only reassures one thing: Scott Stapp would lose an election to both a giant douche and a turd sandwich.

By the way, Marlins are fish and don’t soar. And what’s with Florida and all of their lame fish team names. The Dolphins, who have that stupid helmet with a dolphin in a helmet (seriously take a close look at that lame ass shit), Tampa Bay Rays (Devil Rays), and Marlins of course. I think this song pretty much covers all Florida teams much better.

Sorry for the bad video quality and size but the organization is removing this piece of dookie from every site. Team owner Jeffrey Loria has issued a statement saying ” I’d honestly rather have a gay son than have anyone ever listen to this gay song ever again.” He should have let me do a rewrite on this tune, I think this captures it in fewer words: “One strike, two strike, double play, this song is really fucking gay.”

The Lakers take on the Oklahoma City Someones this afternoon, and I’m left to wonder, who is this team, where did they come from, and why do I still not care?

So many questions, a few answers…but the most important question still lingers: When it comes down to the grind, is Kobe fresh enough??

Pay attention ladies, this is what happens when you stand close to me. You will have a fire in your pants. And you best have some aerosol-based bowling-shoe spray to put out the flames.

oh, and ps — no, Kobe is not fresh enough. He smells like a mix of sweat and cabbage.