It’s amazing what some people can do at a young age. Tiger Woods was on TV at 2 years old showing off his prodigious skills as a golfer. (He was then on TV at five years old to deny sexual allegations stemming from his play mates.) It also is widely known that Mozart traveled Europe around the age of 5-7 years old, showing off his masterful skills as a pianist.
And thusly, there’s this young lad. At 3 years old, this little drummer boy is the youngest person to sit through an entire Joan Jett song…
My hat’s off to him, because I certainly couldn’t do it. His drumming is impeccable, and his patience even more impressive. Plus, he’s wearing a Christmas hat for some reason. I’m told it’s because he’s forced to work at the North Pole for 10 months out of the year, playing drums in Santa’s Joan Jett cover band, The Bleakhearts.
And if you’re wondering exactly how a kid so young could master the drums, well the answer is simple. He used the most successful training system known to man: Hooked on Monkey Phonics. C-H — CHALK.
Obviously, I made that up. The kid used Rock Band.
It’s common knowledge that George Costanza is the best movie character of all time. I mean, come on. He beat up a kid in a bubble for saying “moops” during Trivial Pursuit. He bought cheap envelopes for his wedding, which in turn killed his fiance. He keeps it mega-real.
But all that awesomeness also means he’s got pretty big pants to fill. (And no, I’m not talking about him promoting Jenny Craig. Which, yes, he’s actually doing). I’m talking about his unfulfilled legacy. The fruit that burns in his loins. A child he hoped to one day name “Seven”…
And here it is. The role he was born to play. George.
Spoiler Alert: He winds up trading his child for a dime bag of Unobtainium.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was on The Tonight show with Gay Leno yesterday, where he was forced to sit through Jay Leno’s cornball wisecracks. As you’ll see you here, Leno busted The Governator about his acting chops. But in the end, Arnold shitted on The Chin and his audience:
As Arnold pointed out, Leno’s childish humor is only suited for geriatrics. It should be outlawed. He should be jailed by a “kindergarten cop.” In fact, one could place his shitty impressions on the same skill level with that of SNL’s Kenan Thompson. You can even consider them shitty “twins.” Either way, I’ll be glad to see Conan O’Brien back on the air. He’s my “last action hero,” and I refer to Coco’s return to late night TV as Jay Leno’s “judgment day.” Maybe then NBC execs will realize the “raw deal” they gave Coco when they see his awesome ratings, and hopefully they’ll ask for a “total recall.”
Let’s be honest, there’s probably nothing in the world that can stop Walker Texas Ranger. But as for his little sidekick Haley Joel Osment…well, that’s a different story…
Waaaaaaaaaa?
I guess the real question now is: How do they say “AIDS” in Cherokee? I bet it starts with some wine and turkey, served on the naked belly of Walker Texas Ranger. POW!
If you’re looking for more Haley Joel on Walker Texas Ranger, check out this adorable clip.
And if you’re wondering exactly how Haley got from Sixth Sense to this? Well, that’s Hollywood baby. Make a couple hit movies, fall into that drug pit, maybe blow a few dudes on Colfax Avenue…and you wind up on Walker Texas Ranger with AIDS. Happens every time.
Oh Kenan, sometimes you still make me laugh. And if anyone’s wondering what Kel is up to, here is the [very real] movie poster for his last project — 2009’s See Dick Run.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more photoshopped movie poster in my life. And they still couldn’t make that girl on the left look any less like a tranny lemur.
If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard or seen this movie, stop thinking about it. I’m not sure if this was even in theaters. The story is about Kel’s dick. He “loses it.” I’m guessing his nuts get cut off. Or he spills hot coffee on his groin and they’re irreparably damaged. Maybe he works for UPS.
Someone watch it and fill me in. Or don’t. I don’t really care. I’m gonna stick to my Keenan and Kel, if you don’t mind. Maybe a little Fresh Prince and Clarissa afterwards? Shit man, a lineup that good, I’ll never do my homework.
In a few hours, I will be in the presence of orange-haired greatness — Coco, the lovable Conan O’Brien, and his live stage show. That’s right, tonight is his “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour” at Universal City in Los Angeles. Ironically, this is also the location where he spent and filmed his long tenure at The Tonight Show (a whopping 7 seven months).
Oh there will be shots, hopefully making fun Leno and his dick moves. But with Conan already locked on going to TBS with his late night gig, I’m guessing the mood will be a jovial one. I know Andy Richter is in the mix, and I’m guessing since this is Hollywood, there may even be a few celebrity cameos (fingers crossed for Masturbating Bear).
In the mean time, sit back and enjoy this little bit of Conan. This one is from when he hosted the Emmys a few years back, showing off his live performance chops.
After 14 years, it seems as if South Park has still got what it takes to piss people off — actually, more intense than ever. As I’m sure you’ve certainly heard, there was some crazy shit going on surrounding the 200th episode of South Park — a two-parter called “200″ which discussed showing a picture of Mohammed.
Although the episode never really showed anything (Mohammed was supposedly in a bear costume, although we learned later this was not the case), Matt and Trey recieved some thinly-veiled death threats from a radical Muslim group. I won’t repeat them here, because the same quote has been everywhere, but you can read it here if you haven’t already.
But for all of us who thankfully have DVRs, you know that Matt and Trey went ahead and finished their second episode, “201″, which concluded the Mohammed-celebrity-goo saga. (And most importantly, finally revealed who Cartman’s father was!) They delivered the episode to Comedy Central, who took it and censored the fucking bejeezus out of it. In fact, Kyle’s entire “what I learned today” speech at the end was beeped out. It was over a minute long, all beeped out.
Obviously Matt and Trey were not thrilled, as they enjoy pushing the envelope and freedom of speech. The episode has not aired again on TV and is also not available on their website — it seems as if it might not be seen again for a very, very long time. Matt and Trey issued this statement about the ordeal on South Park Studios:
In the 14 years we’ve been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldn’t stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasn’t some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyle’s customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didn’t mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too. We’ll be back next week with a whole new show about something completely different and we’ll see what happens to it.
Intimidation and fear indeed. And ironically, if you know anything about South Park, you know that they made an episode about 10 years ago called “Super Best Friends” which featured Mohammed, totally uncensored, without problem (see the video below). So apparently, it was OK then, but its not OK now.
Here’s an interview with Matt and Trey taped BEFORE this whole controversy started, discussing Mohammed, 200 episodes, and their thoughts on free speech. It’s more relevant now than ever — amazing the difference a week can make…
Meanwhile, fans and the media are also thoroughly pissed off. John Stewart took about 10 minutes to discuss the issue on last night’s Daily Show:
It’s a crazy story, and hopefully nothing more will come of it. What’s really crazy to me is that the same freedom of speech that allows these Muslim extremists to make threats and spew hatred is the same freedom they are threatening to kill over. It’s bullshit. For more on that, I recommend you watch what John Stewart had to say…
It’s April 20th, 4-20, which means it’s a special day in America: Joey Lawrence’s birthday! The dreamy gip made a name for himself on the TV sitcom Blossom but later went on to a diverse music career:
Flannel on the beach?! Really, Joey?!
For those of you who read this and don’t know who Joey Lawrence is, I recommend picking up the Blossom DVD series. It works well as a paperweight or something to hide your porn DVDs in. You can also sit down and watch the show if you’re a real faggot. And for the record, here is what Blossom looks like now. WOOF WOOF!
After 14 years, it seems as if South Park has still got what it takes to piss people off — actually, more intense than ever. As I’m sure you’ve certainly heard, there was some crazy shit going on surrounding the 200th episode of South Park — a two-parter called “200″ which discussed showing a picture of Mohammed.
