Pizza Comedy

Finally, a product that keeps my attention where it needs to be.

It’s a brilliant idea. But honestly, I don’t think anything can stop a man from looking at a woman’s breasts. Even Forehead Tittaes. (Although I appreciate their effort and really like where they’re going with this). Looking a boobs is part of the male system. In our DNA and our constantly-failing brain matter. We can’t stop doing it, mostly because we don’t even know we’re doing it. We have no idea.

Well yeah, sure, sometimes we do. And believe me, we are so good at it when we want to be. We’re like Jason Bourne tit-snipers. But when you catch us staring, that’s you catching us unaware. In ape mode. Every time I get caught, I didn’t even know I was looking — I black out, then come back around to see an angry face staring me down.

That’s probably the biggest thing women don’t understand about men. We can’t not look at boobs. Our eyes are special. Women’s eyes do the same thing when they see boots you like. Who notices boots? You boots, me boobs.

And for those women interested in keeping our gaze away from their down-under naughty bits, I introduce you to this: The Worst Underwear Ever.

I promise, I’ll never look at your whispering eye ever again.

Nice vid by Ti’Tay

This is the kind of dedication I like to see from a broad:

The type of multitasking skills where she could fold the laundry, make you a grilled cheese, and dish out a hearty blow J simultaneously.

Ms. Barnes explained, “She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit.”

Coincidence or simply great comedy luck that Megan Barnes crashed her ‘95 Thunderbird while shaving her bird? If you’ve seen the picture of this woman, a better option would have been to attempt a decapitation since she resembles a bloated Kurt Cobain after a sex change. I can only wonder if the design of her pubes was a heart shaped box.

Peep the rest of the story here.

How about a little monday randomness to start this week off right?

Here’s the topic: chicks.

This first bit of randomness comes from just a regular night in da club. Dancing with some hunnies, grinding up on some bitties, smashing your face into some strangers crotch like Rosie O’Donnell at a carpet clearance sale…

Now, the first thing I must note about that picture is the fact that 1) I’m pretty sure that’s Nurse Jackie and 2) that Asian chick standing next to her needs a man to sit on her face, pronto. Then I suggest the two couples double-date, perhaps at P.F. Changs, making sure to surface from each others privates every 30-45 seconds for a tasty combo of air and spicy chang sauce.

Next, we have a modern day Kris Kross. Homegirl likes to wear her pants backwards, and you know what? I think she’s onto something. Epic ass cleavage.

In addition to being hot, these ass-fly pants serve multiple purposes. One, they makes her juicy fruit butt shimmer like Steven Seagal in the Glimmer Man. Two, she’s got a fantastic pencil holder, if the situation ever arises. And three, if she ever needs to poop, all she needs to do is unzip and relax. Doody Dispenser 2.0.

Which leads me lastly to Veronica. And all I’ll say about her is: “Ew, gross.” (slash “call me”)

Seriously Veronica, get a hobby.

Every good Japanese game show does three things right:

1) Butcher English
2) Make the audience laugh
2) Torture people

This game show combines all three of these elements perfectly, with an extra heavy emphasis on the last part. The point of the game is not to laugh. Simple enough, right? But the really catchy part of the game is how they brutally beat the shit out of you with a stick if you fuck up. 1:25 really captures the spirit of this show…

I hear they modeled this show after Catholic School.

Seriously though, can we please get some of these Japanese TV producers working over here in the US?? This might actually teach Snooky how to count.

I don’t care how special this kid is, you don’t fuck with another man’s automobile:

Why?

Ok, so first things first. Kirsten, you fucked it all up. This was one of my all-time favorite 80s songs — one of the first CDs I ever bought was a shitty 80s mixtape, and on it, buried in the 12 tracks was this, “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors. It was my favorite track on the entire disc. I played it over and over again on my Discman. I even know the name of the band off the top of my head. The Vapors. I bet 10 out of 10 people couldn’t tell you who originally sings that song. But I know it, because I care.

But you, Kirsten. You march onto set with this Hello Kitty Princess bullshit and think the tweeny boppers are gonna go crazy. They probably will. (just kidding, this song is shit. And Justin Bieber has all the tweens locked up on his nuts).

And McG. The man who directed this piece of feces. How do you keep getting work? I don’t understand it. Is this a pet project? A passion piece? Did you actually have to sit in the editing room and listen to this song over and over again?? I hope you did. You deserve it. Didn’t you just direct Terminator 4? What the fuck are you doing, man? (just kidding, I know what you’re doing. Shitty work, as usual).

OK, OK…I’ll stop bitching. There’s enough idiots on the internet drinking hateraid, and I try to stay away from that if possible. But you hit me with a low blow, Kirsten, right in the go-nads. I loved this song.

So I’ll leave it with this: Mrs. Dunst, the next time you feel like covering a classic song, please look behind you at that Asian anime chick with the huge knockers — take a long hard look at her — and then close your eyes. What do you see? You probably see McG, floating around telling you you’re “quirky” and “talented”. Ignore him. Now open your eyes, take another deep breath, and go home. That’s it. Just go home. Stay there.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my eyes are still closed…Me and that anime Asian chick have some serious motorboating to attend to.

This guy wants to write a book called Buseyisms and I know a guy who likes to masturbate wearing condoms. You do the math.

Two rock icons show us they’re neither perfect nor heterosexual:

I love this video, not because I too enjoy dancing on factory crates or jumping off said crates in slow motion, but because this was the one time I realized I’m much cooler than these two finocchios.