Pizza Comedy

I don’t blame this guy. Look, the basketball game was on and it was “Bring Your Daughter To Drink” Night at the local watering hole. How was HE supposed to know it was also “Dollar Taco Stripper Tuesday”? The stripper usually comes on Wednesdays!

And this second one it a little more risque. And honestly it wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that it was the DAUGHTER’S birthday and that was supposed to be HER cock cake. Damnit mom, stop trying to be cool!!

Seriously though, that look on the daughter’s face let’s me know she’ll never be the same again. And what’s the deal with that black cock cake next to this one? Why are there so many cocks on a cakes at a children’s party??

We are all in big big trouble. It’s only a matter of time before Krang finds his mechanical avatar and goes forward with his plans to open a portal that would bring all of the world’s most dangerous villains to Earth…from the dreaded Dimension X.

The scariest villain of all? Sumo Octopus Baby…

If there’s a bone in that kid’s body, I’d be surprised. He moves around like a jello pudding invertebrate.

More than likey though, Krang is molding this child into a very dangerous Rock Soldier (and I don’t mean Jay-Z and Memphis Bleek). Thank god for us, Casey Jones and the Ninja Turtles hate punkers.

I thought my prom was exciting. We rented a limo, I bought a corset, and got a kiss at the end of the night. I even touched her butt when we slow danced.

But I guess proms in 2010 involve some sort of fertility dance.

(Shitty video and sound, but watch it. And keep watching…it gets better).

That guy’s green outfit is awesome. He’s like a little green rapist.

Thanks to the internet, we see news bloopers all the time. People saying “top cock” and cursing and making pregnant bellies on top of news desks. It’s commonplace, and if your Tracy Morgan, it’s your normal TV appearance.

But this chick gives us a new one. It’s sticky and gross and non-dairy…”Soy jism.”

I’ve never seen someone so casually mention an ejaculate from behind the news desk. She actually seems proud of her suggestion. Which is awesome because it onlya dds to the discomfort of her co-female anchor. We should take that face, bottle it up and sell it as a comfort-alternative. Maybe call it “Face Jism”? Still working on that…

And this just in: Angelique’s got these cheeseburgers, man….

Total retail value of that sex: $.99!

props to Nalley for the milk

About 50% of marriages fail. The leading cause? Dutch Ovens.

The same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons? It’s a fart. The only tim eyou need that kind of protection is after eating an entire Big Bell Box Meal from Taco Bell. Otherwise, you’re over protecting. And besides, if you wife cant stand you holding her head under the covers after you let a mud monkey loose, then your marraige doesn’t have a chance anyway.

Also make sure to check out this company’s “I Know You Are, But What Am I? Vest” — it’s a kevlar bullet proof vest that deflects any harmful comments made towards a teenager, and bounces them right back at the person making the joke. Also buy “I’m Rubber You’re Glue” pepper spray to ensure maximum insult holding on the assailant.

Maybe that’s why they call is Silent But Deadly.

nice butt-toot by Dukescat meow

I consider myself an extreme guy. I once did 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes! It was crazy! But then I watched this video and stopped describing myself as an extreme guy…at least on my J-Date profile:

This just in, I’m a giant pussy.

After hearing news about the GZA and RZA uniting for a Liquid Swords follow-up, one extremely old man had this to say:

When shown the footage, African American spokesman Jesse Jackson said: “These are perhaps the flyest dance moves ever attempted by a Caucasian man over 60.” He then demanded to be paid for his opinion, despite the fact that no one really cares about what he has to say anymore.

Similarly, when asked to comment about his performance, Rusty Navybeans (old man in the video above) shrugged off the performance as “sub-par.” He made note that the “apron greatly restricted his movements,” then added: “When I’m in the club, bitches be on my [expletive]. I pump cheeks like Usher.”

When questioned about exactly where and how he gets the energy to perform such spry dance moves, he pulled out a picture from his wallet and said simply: “Whale Sex.”

Let’s be honest, there’s probably nothing in the world that can stop Walker Texas Ranger. But as for his little sidekick Haley Joel Osment…well, that’s a different story…

Waaaaaaaaaa?

I guess the real question now is: How do they say “AIDS” in Cherokee? I bet it starts with some wine and turkey, served on the naked belly of Walker Texas Ranger. POW!

If you’re looking for more Haley Joel on Walker Texas Ranger, check out this adorable clip.

And if you’re wondering exactly how Haley got from Sixth Sense to this? Well, that’s Hollywood baby. Make a couple hit movies, fall into that drug pit, maybe blow a few dudes on Colfax Avenue…and you wind up on Walker Texas Ranger with AIDS. Happens every time.